Beyond Father’s Day
How Adoption and Reunion Led to Losing My Children
Adoption is often painted as a beautiful act of love, but for many of us, the reality is far more complicated. My story is just one example of how adoption can lead to deep, lasting pain – pain that’s not just about losing your biological family but also about the impact it has on the family you try to build later in life.
A Cycle of Loss
Before I was adopted, my adoptive mother had already lost a child to forced adoption in Australia. Ten years before I came into her life, she was forced to give up her own son – a wound that never healed. When she adopted me, it wasn’t just about giving me a home; it was about filling the void left by the son she lost. This created a complicated relationship, one that carried the weight of unspoken grief and unresolved trauma.
Reunion Gone Wrong
Years later, when I finally reunited with my biological mother, I hoped it would bring me some peace. But instead of healing, my reunion triggered something dark in my adoptive family. They saw my search for my roots as a betrayal, a threat to the life they had built around me. This fear led to something I never expected – being forced into estrangement from my own children.
My adoptive family couldn’t handle the idea of me reconnecting with my biological roots. To them, it felt like I was rejecting everything they had given me. So, they took drastic steps to maintain control over the situation, and in the process, they tore me away from my kids. It was their way of punishing me for seeking the truth about where I came from.
Control and the Dark Side of Adoption
Adoption is often about control – control over lineage, over identity, and over the lives of the adopted children. My adoptive mother’s decision to force estrangement wasn’t just about anger or fear; it was about maintaining the narrative she had constructed, one where I was supposed to fill the gap left by her lost son. When I stepped outside of that narrative, the response was to cut me off from my own children, continuing the cycle of loss and control.
This need for control is a hidden truth in the adoption world. It’s not always about providing a child with a loving home; sometimes, it’s about fulfilling the needs and desires of the adoptive parents, often at the expense of the child’s identity and well-being. In my case, it led to a situation where my life – and the lives of my children – were manipulated to maintain an illusion.
Father’s Day Reflections
As Father’s Day approaches, I’m reminded of the children I’m no longer able to be with and of the family connections that were severed because of a decision I had no say in. It’s a painful reminder of how much power others have had over my life and how that power has impacted my ability to be the father I wanted to be.
Father’s Day is supposed to be a celebration, but for many of us, it’s a day filled with reminders of what we’ve lost – whether it’s due to adoption, estrangement, or the complicated relationships that come with it. It’s a time to reflect on the real stories behind adoption, the ones that don’t always have happy endings.
Looking Forward
My story is just one of many, but it highlights the darker side of adoption that often gets overlooked. Forced estrangement and the control that some adoptive families exert over their children are real issues that need more attention. As we move forward, it’s important to acknowledge these stories and work towards a more honest understanding of what adoption can really mean for those involved.
So, this Father’s Day, let’s think about the parents who aren’t with their kids, the adoptees who are still searching for their place, and the families who have been fractured by the very system that was supposed to bring them together. It’s time to have real conversations about adoption and start addressing the pain that so many of us carry with us every day.
Note for those who live outside Australia — Father’s Day in Australia is the first Sunday of September. #forcedadoption #fathersday
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