It Will Be Different This Time
Looking forward, back, left, and right.
The other day I jokingly tweeted:
which then got me thinking about how it was actually time for this exact post. Now, here it is.
It will be different this time. It’s a promise that I can barely even believe I intend to keep as I put it to page. My continuing problem in life isn’t a lack of direction, it’s having temporary directions that I drive towards full speed ahead without understanding my starting or stopping point. I’ve started and stopped writing blogs so many times because I’m never confident on the direction or that it will last. I’m still not, but not working towards a writing goal leaves me constantly on the precipice when I’m trying to get down the hill.
As the rumblings of motivation starting bubbling up last week, I did a little internal digging into what things interest me and where I want to go. Here’s the list:
Become a better writer:
- Write every day
- Publish 1 article per week
Become a better coder:
- Code every day
- Release a project or PR to open source every quarter
Become a better artist:
- Draw every day
- Release a new artwork every week
Become more knowledgeable:
- Read every day
- Reflect and journal daily
Become a better husband:
- Plan and be responsible for more date nights
- Find time every day to be together without distractions
Become a better dad:
- Ensure 1 full hour of together time a day with no distractions
- Plan more educational outings with the family
Become a better friend:
- Plan a hangout with friends at least once a month
Yes, these are basic. and if you see this list you’re probably like, ya that is literally super simple stuff and it’s ridiculous you aren’t doing those things already. And the answer is, I know.
But the reason I write them down is because I very quickly and very easily get distracted by the world and forget the basics. I get lost in my own world only to look up and realize that my wife has planned all our dates and vacations, that I haven’t seen my friends in years, and that even though I start strong on my creative pursuits, they fizzled randomly and when I get distracted by something else. The world of TikTok and Instagram reels would lead me to believe this is classic ADHD and while I figure out if that’s the case, the important part, regardless of diagnosis, is that it’s my daily reality so I might as well do things to make it more manageable.
And if you are worried, is this entire Substack going to become a never-ending stream of, “I’m going to stick to it” posts? Hopefully not. These posts work as a mental cleanse and clean slate for me. They feel like markers where the curiosity has won the day over the anxiety of the unknown.
My secondary big issue with sticking things out boils down to this:
This is a real problem. Even writing this post I felt a need to finish it in a single sitting. I believe it stems from the inability to hold on to the rush of a task long enough to get back to it after taking a break. Getting back to something requires overcoming inertia and because I struggle with that, it’s always easier to work through the whole process in a single sitting than it is to start and stop. Maybe this applies to everyone and you all are just better at getting back into it, but not me, and it’s why my goals push for doing a little bit each day.
Getting back to this post and editing it will be tough but I’m going to intentionally do it after the next paragraph. I want to force myself to come back to it. Force myself to read what I’ve written and then continue. This won’t be every piece obviously, but I want to break the cycle of anxiety around finishing a project by removing the imaginary constraint of getting it done in a single sitting.
So here we are. Writing a blog post full of hope and optimism that this time it will be different. Only time will tell of course if anything has changed. For you, reader, the one thing you will definitely get is a spurt of excited creation for a short duration. However, if all goes well, I’ll get to look back fondly at this post as the moment that things changed for the better.
UPDATE: I did not come back the next day. In fact, the anxiety of rereading what I’d written and starting again forced me to start a new piece which has legs. Just like every project that I start. They all have legs. They all are interesting. And they all get to 80% complete before I grow tired of them. The hardest part is to finish and it’s also the least rewarding for me.
There’s a really great twitter thread about ADHD and dopamine (that I cannot find now and am worried about the rabbit hole diversion if I start looking for it). The main point was how most people get their dopamine release upon completing a project whereas people with ADHD get their dopamine from exploring curiosity. Maybe this is just a story that fits perfectly into a life of 80% projects, but it definitely fits. Curiosity abounds at any project that begins but once I’ve satiated my curiosity, the inertial desire to come back and eek out those final tasks is excruciatingly painful to overcome.
I honestly barely even re-read this before I started writing it again. And as I’m writing, I wish I could explain how loud the noise inside my head is of the battle between, “just publish it anyways, you won’t want to come back again” and “but you should reread it and make sure it makes sense”. These internal battles happen for every task, all day every day. It’s exhausting.
UPDATE 2: Now that I came back and wrote that update, after doing so I re-read the whole piece and made some updates which led to a final thought on single sitting paralysis.
The biggest problem with this mental model is that it guarantees I’ll never personally take on projects that are bigger than me. Work projects have the built in incentive of a job and making money doing them, but if I can’t write a novel or paint a picture in a single sitting it’s nearly impossible for me to do it.
And that means all of creative pursuits lack in scale and polish. The few projects that I have been able to avoid this line of thinking and complete them over days, weeks, or months do end up being those that I’m most proud of and more willing to share. It’s also a reminder of how long it took me to finish that last 20%. When I coded my first pico8 game, Lemonade Stand, I put it down and didn’t work on it for months after finishing that first 80%. The struggle was real, but the payoff was wonderfully fulfilling. A good reminder when the curiosity of writing temporarily wanes to stick with it!
