Validation Comes from Within

I never thought I’d lose the contest

I never thought I’d lose the writing prompt contest where I shared the story of my best date ever.

I had opened myself up, sharing my guts with the world and within 24 hours I had 18 recommends! I was ecstatic. I had no doubt that the recommendations would keep pouring in and I would win that week’s contest.

I was so sure I would win that I actually added a line in my resume that said, “Winner of creative writing contest on Medium.”

I have no idea if the winner beat me by a mere few recommendations, or by a significant amount. However, my eagerness to be in the lead wasn't about the tweet or the free t-shirt I would get. It was about winning.

To me, winning meant validation.

For the first time ever in my writing career I had published a piece that exposed an intimate and vulnerable part of me. And it was overwhelming.

Was I okay for sharing my inner feelings in such a public platform? Would I be rejected by my friends or judged by the masses? Was I okay?

These questions nagged at me as I shared my story via email, Facebook, and Twitter. I was watching the stats — in my mind, every “view” translated into a pat on the back, every “read” was like a double-handed high-five, and every “recommend” felt like a big bear hug.

I was looking for support, recognition, a listening ear, and empathy — that’s what winning would have meant to me.

The irony was that I had gotten all that! My friends raved about my story, I got many re-tweets and Facebook likes — I had everything I wanted.

But I needed to win.

I was seeking something definitive. Something that said in bold capital letters, “Shira — you are okay!” I needed a concrete form of validation. Or at least that’s what I thought I needed…

When I learned that I hadn't won, I had to sit with my thoughts to try and process them. I realized that winning wouldn't have changed anything about how I felt inside, at most it would have distracted me for another day before I would sink back into my familiar world of self-doubt.

No contest in the world could remove my fear of judgment or obliterate the belief that my vulnerabilities are shameful. The greatest reward I could get is that of contentment and inner peace. That I’m going to have to do on my own.

However, I will not let one disappointment keep me from continued participation in contests.

I don’t want to win this time. This time I want to feel like a winner.