Imposter Syndrome and the Importance of Others

It is human nature to care about what others think. Our ancestors in their pre-historic villages recognized that their best hope of survival was to remain part of a group. If you were cast out, you were unable to procreate and your genes would be lost to history. And so we developed this compulsion to please others, to ensure our lineage remained. It is why, in our modern society, it matters what car we drive, the clothes we wear, and the tech in our pocket. But with that compulsion also comes uncertainty and inadequacy, the feeling that you will not be accepted and instead judged for your deficiencies. Imposter syndrome is this idea that you are unqualified, do not deserve your success and you are plagued with self-doubt and intellectual fraudulence.

Imposter syndrome and the battle for self-worth have been constant companions with me on the journey of life. Even starting this blog I was struck with worries that my writing was not good enough, that nobody would care what a 22-year-old unemployed kid living with his parents had to say. While there is a modicum of truth to that, the anxiety it creates is far beyond what is warranted for the situation. And that’s the crux of the issue, recognizing that nobody cares even a fraction of what you think they do. That other people are not spending their time going over the snippet of the conversation in which you felt awkward. People care about themselves, and by letting yourself be engulfed with worry about how you’re perceived, you’re ignoring how you perceive yourself.

Now, all that is way easier said than done because there is a need to, at some level, care about how you’re perceived by others. The old adage “first impressions matter” still rings true and my parents are probably right when they tell me that a bushy quarantine beard does not help in job interviews. But there is a give and take. I decided long ago when I got a tattoo that even if people judge, even if it’s less professional than the short hair, clean-shaven, polo shirt wearing standard for corporate dress, I was not going to let anybody get in the way of increasing my self-image. It comes down to importance and how much you value whichever image you’re trying to create.

How much power should others hold over you? How much are you willing to give up to get the recognition you so desperately crave? And if you get it, will it really give you the satisfaction you expect? “Loving yourself” and “being comfortable” seems so small compared to being lauded by your peers and respected by mentors. Yet, in a time of social distancing, where the majority of my time is spent in solitude and interactions with my friends are held over Zoom, being able to enjoy myself for who I am has become essential. The truth of the matter is, that although we are an inherently social society, the only person who really matters is yourself.

I realize this post might sound preachy and I recognize that I do not always live up to the ideals I’ve written about. I don’t think that you can ever really get to a place where you’re entirely happy with yourself and secure in your own abilities but each day I’m going to try just a little bit harder to resist the pull of external validation in favor of the tiniest bit of self-love.