How To Survive A Friend Breakup
Five crucial tips to keep your sanity when you’re going through the worst kind of breakup.
By Lexi Nisita, Refinery29
Heartache is hard enough, but there’s another kind of breakup that can be just as bad: losing a friend. The truth is, a romantic breakup can often lead to a clean slate, whereas a friendship gone sour can leave you in a seriously awkward social scenario with no easy way out.
But, don’t fret. There is hope for you (and your ex-pal) yet! Whether you’ve grown out of it or had a serious fight, here are five steps to survive the worst of it and even — with a little effort — learn to love again.
Keep your dirty laundry to yourself.
Don’t assume that all your other friends will want to take sides on the issue, or even that they would “choose” you if you demanded it. Better to keep these matters private except from your close friends who are supporting you. Definitely don’t go around blabbing about how awful your ex-friend is to your entire social circle as a revenge thing.
Get a second opinion.
While we don’t recommend running your mouth about this drama to everyone you see, you’re obviously going to talk to some of your other friends, your family, or your significant other about what’s going on. Instead of talking at them in a one-way vent-fest, ask, honestly, what they think about the breakup. Was it reasonable? Did you behave in a way that was inappropriate at any time? Especially if the person knows both you and your ex-friend, they’ll probably have some thoughts about the situation that never occurred to you. They also might clue you into how truly toxic this ex-friend was, and help you avoid that kind of relationship in the future. Seeing things from other people’s perspectives, and trying to understand that your experience of a social situation is very subjective and not necessarily even remotely similar to others’, is key in life in general (but it’s particularly useful if you want to make a friend breakup into a learning experience).
Don’t push the drama.
You’re not going to avoid each other forever and ever. You will have to see each other. It’s up to you to be the bigger person, say hello cordially, not insist on being on opposite ends of the bar, etc. when in a larger group. You will probably feel tension, but if you can muster the will to get over it, everyone will thank you for not pushing that tension on anyone else.
Isolate the hate.
When one large thing goes wrong in your life, it’s easy to attribute everything else to that one event. As cliché as it sounds, try to be mindful of just how far you’re extending the net of your friendship tragedy into other parts of your life. If you find yourself thinking, “Oh, I can’t go out tonight because I’ll have to see so-and-so,” you need to shut down that kind of thinking right then and there. Either go out with your friends, risk seeing this person, and consider this one tiny step toward a future of non-awkwardness, or try an out-of-the-box activity that won’t run you the risk of seeing your ex.
Look on the bright side.
We all know how hard it is to make new friends as an adult — and while the absence of structured social gatherings through school is certainly part of it, undoubtedly, it’s the pull of comfortable situations and familiar faces that really keeps you from getting out there. As heartbreaking as it can be to end it with a close pal, you can also see this as an opportunity to really push the boundaries of your comfort zone. Chances are, you’ve changed a lot since you two first became pals, and that’s why things turned sour, but the new you is bound to have a lot in common with other people out there.
