Discussion With My Enemies — A Unique Take on Self-retrospect
What if you could summon all of your weaknesses, your bad feelings, your inner enemies in one place? What would you say to them? What would you discuss?
What is this post about? (An introduction)
I often dwell upon performing powerful and unique thought experiments in my head, especially those that rely on self-retrospect and may invariably lead us to find something truly monumental yet undiscovered within the realm of our minds.
And such a vivid experiment of thought recently propelled me to write this unique story you see below, at the core of which you will find a singular question; What if you could talk to your own weaknesses?
What if your adversities, your bad feelings, the things that stop you from achieving your goals, your enemies, existed in flesh and bone somewhere? What if you could summon all of them at once under a single roof and talk to them in a civil manner? What discussions would you do, what will you decide upon, and how would it turn out to be?
Moreover, what monumental discovery will you make about yourself by the end of it?
To find this out, let us begin on this much-needed journey, and be truly changed from the inside. Let us embark upon a unique take on self-retrospect, the pivotal and crucial; Discussion With My Enemies.
Darkness was eerie, subtly spreading inside and out, seemingly inescapable all around the infinite walls of this definitive room. The sounds were none but of my own moving and breathing, as nervously I traversed nearer to the center of it, shifting from plain darkness to the only light present within this peculiar expanse. An empty round table came into view, standing under a lone pool of illuminance. With a burst of stride, I reached its structure, pulled out a chair which was my designated seat under this council, and rested myself upon it. My somewhat trembling hands softly grazed on the table’s surface, feeling the sharp and rough engraved nature of it. The earthy and warm smell of wood flew into my senses, making me aware of the aged nature of this table, and all it has been through.
By a jittering manner, I took out and placed the red folder in front, it is boldly labeled Agenda. I opened it and went over the discussion points one last time. But reading it all again only shot up my breathing horribly. I shut it close in an instant, taking deep inhales of calmness. I realize that up until now, I have only called and discussed with one member of the council at a time. But times have become dire. And now, more than ever, a grave discussion is needed with all partners at once.
My thoughts were then abrupted harshly, as the dark and silent aura got broken severely by the metallic clanks, recognizable footsteps of an undoubted member echoing through as they approached close. Emerging from the blackness, the shiny structure of him first became visible. Enveloped under a glistening silver armor from top to bottom, with an old sword clipped to his one side, he stood unshaken in the light. The shining exterior of him was filled with heavy dents and noticeable ridges. It clunked against the wood when he crash-seated at his designated place which was right in front of me. He further removed the worn-out helmet of his and placed it in between, revealing a withered, scarred, and matured face underneath. Wild and uneven brows above his eyes of steel pointed briskly at me. His thin and dark lips puckered from one side, showing a certain level of annoyance at being present in this discussion.
I recognized in an instant that this rugged soldier was Fear, the first member to arrive.
I then felt the need to break the ice between me and Fear when something else did it for me. The dragging steps of a certain individual brimmed across this dark room. And from beneath the cloak of blackness appeared a rather sluggish fellow. His thin structure covered under a deep loose t-shirt, all above a pair of flabby jeans, had a boney and long face attached to it. As his entire body came further into the light, his eyes seemed to retain the vivid darkness still, embedding deep inside his skull as he slacked face-down towards the table, and grabbed his respective place which was the immediate left of my seating. With such a predicament, Sadness had arrived.
He was followed by the echoing of great grunts reverberating through the aura, coming from right behind where Fear sat. With noticeable thumping of his steps, the heavy structure of Anger came to being. His bare skin and large chest were hairy red, wearing nothing but a dark garment below as he thumped his way near. His constant grinning bubbled in the atmosphere, while the veins of his big arms popped in and out of existence with each movement. Anger then resided next to Fear.
The next sounds that arrived were of only someone chattering amidst himself. The voice was unmistakably high-pitched, and so was his stride as his signature flamboyant walk flowed into existence. This new member was rather lean in structure but confidently shaped, almost too confident. He wore bright blue above which hung a striking red cape, flying right behind him with the exaggeration of his own persona. He quickly shot a dazzling white smile towards me, his shiny hair bouncing around on a leash. “I am sorry, is this the right place?” his concern felt genuine yet visibly disgusted.
“Undoubtedly,” I answered. “You can take your seat, Ego.”
“Are you serious?” his face became quite eccentric. “You have called me in this warehouse? No light, nothing here! I couldn’t even see my face properly in the mirror that I brought. What in the world is this barren-”
“Please,” I interrupted with my sincerest tone, still somewhat trembling deep inside. “Have a seat.”
Ego stood quite impatiently for a while, scoffing with every breath. “Fine!” he caved in between Sadness and Fear.
“Good… ah, I see one more member is on his way,” I peek behind Fear from where materialized a large round protuberance of a body. The bulky and hefty build of his tucked slowly forward, slouching excessively to reach the table and chair setup. His grunts were more evident than ever, his face sweating profusely, becoming as if only a wet blob of flesh and skin.
“Why did you have to make me walk so much!?” he glared at me with thinning eyes, catching his thick breath in the process.
“It is the necessity of the council. Please take your seat.”
With a slump, Procrastination slacked his overflowing flesh on the designated chair.
“Now, where is your brother?” I asked, witnessing the empty seat beside the newly arrived large member.
“He is is well on his way…”
“He is going to be late, isn’t he?” Fear smirked from aside then.
“Well, what do you expect? He is Lazy!” the blob answered rather amusingly.
“Please, let’s just get this over with… ” he further shot, his glistening armor still glaring right at me. “The rest can be dealt with as they come.”
I took a quick survey of the present members, finding no more than a couple of prescribed seats empty. “I believe that the council can now begin the discussion.”
“Great,” Fear remarked with a bland face, his wild eyes rolling.
“All of you have been called here, upon this very table by the council for a singular purpose. There has been a noticeable shift within your powers, a growing control of yours in my life. In the instances of recent, it has been observed that at least one of you, if not a combination of all, has been at the forefront of my decision-making. And frankly, it cannot be put on further. This needs to be addressed into consensus quickly and efficiently. A discussion with my enemies is crucial at this stage.”
“Yes, we already got the gist of it!” the soldier spurted.
Measuring his tone of annoyance, I quickly opened the red file to begin. “Let me first start with Fear-”
“I cannot believe that you called me here!” he snapped back without warning.
My face shifted immediately.
“After all these years… you still think of me as an enemy?”
“Because you are an enemy. In fact, my original complaint with you is-”
“I am sorry!” his tone got jittery yet outspokenly loud. “Please, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I just don’t… Please.”
Hard silence then panned across the room.
“Fine,” I ultimately said. “I will come back to you afterward.”
Fear had no words to give about then.
“Next up is Anxiety… Wait, I did not see Anxiety come in. Has anyone seen him?”
And the self-silenced soldier in front pointed to his right with a dead face. Following this direction, I saw a tiny stick-like arm lodged upwards from beneath the empty chair.
“Anxiety, is that you?”
“Yes…” a high-pitched and feeble voice sparked from under the raised hand.
“It is okay, you can come up now. No one is going to hurt you,” I said in a reassuring tone.
Quite steadily, the thin arm gave way to his entire body which was of a mere toddler. He had a small and round face, little button-like eyes, short hair above, and an exceedingly shy demeanor below. With a hostile gaze, he looked around the room with growing uneasiness.
“Hi!” I leaned forward offering a friendly smile. “How are you?”
His big eyes peeked across the members yet again.
“Do not be afraid. You can talk to me freely… Tell me, how are you?”
“I am… okay,” Anxiety spoke in shaky bursts. “I know you must have a lot of complaints with me.”
“Oh, no. I just called you here to see how you were doing.”
“Good, I guess…”
“Are you sure?”
“No,” his feeble voice then turned somewhat bold. “Not doing good… You do not care for me anymore.”
“Oh…”
“I am alone most of the time!” he shot with another jittery burst. “You know that I don’t like being alone… Then why do you leave me always? Why don’t you talk to me? Why don’t you deal with me? Why do you run away?”
Instantly taken by surprise, I reverted to my original position then. “I sincerely apologize, Anxiety,” I said with a sigh. “I should never leave you alone like that… You deserve to be heard and talked-over. Won’t happen again. I will take care of you properly from now on, okay?”
The little face of his nodded effervescently.
“Good,” I took a new deep breath, glancing back in my red folder. “Let’s see who is next. Sadness,” I moved to witness his head facing sulking downwards. “Can you please look at me?”
He slowly nudged to stare blankly at me.
“I don’t have many complaints with you but only one,” I began. “See, I have much respect for your position in the council, and I understand your need to show up every once in a while… that is just a part of your job. I know that you always have your particular reasons to arrive. But what I do not amuse, is when you seemingly arrive for no reason at all, and you don’t leave!” my tone had risen. “Why do you do that? One minute I am doing perfectly fine, then the next, you show up for no good reason. Why?”
The long face of Sadness took several dreary breaths to think of an answer. “I do not know what to tell you…” he sounded genuinely baffled. “My work always entails a reason. Always, without fail,” his thin tone grew firmer than it had ever been. “You cannot ever say that I show up for no good reason. It could be that sometimes the reasons aren’t plain as day… Maybe you just have to dig deeper to find one.”
A thick wall of silence then built itself effortlessly across the room. I began repeating the words that Sadness offered.
Maybe you just have to dig deeper to find one.
“Yes… dig deeper… and deeper…”
A new set of loud echoes startled each being in the vicinity, each but me.
“Dig deeper and you will find so much sadness… so… much… sadness… in the world. The sadness is never ending… never-ending…”
“Who is that!?” Anxiety shrieked, panicking by this deep echo.
“Yes!” the reverberation continued. “Who am I…? Who are we all… really?”
I shook my head recognizing the wretched voice quite well. “Don’t mind him…” I scoffed. “That is just Existential crisis. He hovers around from time to time. It’s best that we ignore him.”
“Yes! My purpose is to be ignored… yet not be ignored!”
“Please go away,” I commanded sincerely. “Nobody invited you here.”
“I do not need a mere invitation!”
“Apparently you don’t…” I sighed, gazing at all the members when I observed the growling nature of Anger becoming particularly vexed.
“Be gone!” Anger’s red face shouted at length, glittering sparks shot from his head a little.
The deep echo remarkably vanished.
“Let’s continue,” I spoke then, checking into my red folder. “Anxiety done, Sadness done, Fear…”
The armor on his body still clunked with annoyance.
“Yes, Ego,” I moved forward with the agenda.
“Seriously!?” the red-caped fellow bounced back. “I was third on your list? How dare you keep me behind pathetic Sadness and whiny Anxiety? How could-”
“Shut up!” I silenced Ego for once. “You know, this is exactly what your problem is. You don’t know when to shut up. Learn to put a zipper on your mouth. Do not force me to take away your entire council rights.”
“Ha ha!” he felt thoroughly amused, his smile reaching its length. “Look at you go with your bold voice!” his laugh ravaged through the darkness. “You can’t do anything of such! I know you.”
“Oh, do you now?” I bolted back. “You sure feel comfortable enough to test me? To risk losing the only thing you possess, your voice?” I stared dead straight into his gleaming eyes, my face tightening with exasperation.
A sudden spark flew off from Anger aside, one which drastically drained away Ego’s gleeful annoyance. He realized the heavyweight manner of my words.
“See,” I continued after taking in a calming breath and dialing down the sputtering red sparks. “I don’t want to completely shut you up, Ego. I need you in certain amounts to define my self-worth at times. But don’t even think about crossing that line, understood?”
“Yes,” he shot a sharp sigh, his dazzling smile was nowhere to be seen then.
“Now, Anger,”
The giant red face of his was already grinning relentlessly.
“First of all, please stop grinning.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” he snapped mercilessly, his square face becoming increasingly blood red, his eyes sparking yellow, his breathing growing loud and heavy. “Calling me at this pathetic council! Giving lame instructions! I will not have it!” his tone had shifted to screaming. “What gives you the right to tell us what to do? What is your worth… why aren’t you answering?”
“Oh, I thought you weren’t done.”
“No, I am not done!” his hairy bare chest along with each vein in his brooding body began to bulge increasingly. His structure inflated with each second as he shouted. “I hate this! I hate you! I hate things not turning out my way! I hate being stuck! But I also hate change!”
“Yes, he is pretty afraid of change,” Fear from aside remarked.
“Don’t interrupt me, you fool!” he slammed his rock-hard fists on the poor table, trembling its very structure to the core. He stood right up. “I will not take this anymore!” his lungs were on fire. “I will… I will… grrr…” his jaw became unbelievably clasped, tight, and rigid. His eyes were popping out, each muscle of his body on the cusp of an explosion. And explode it did, as his face shifted upwards and shot an incredible scream like none had ever heard. The thick lines lodged upon his gouged throat had never been so vivid. The scream lasted a good while. And once it ended, Anger seemed smaller, shorter, and thinner. Steam no longer whiffing off his now-faded maroon body. He sat back, quite out of his breath.
“So, how do you feel now?”
He caught a few long breaths before answering. “Better, I guess…”
“Good!” I smiled. “That is all you needed, isn’t it? Just letting it all out.”
Anger had no words to offer, understanding all slowly in silence with hefty breaths.
“Whenever you feel everything on the brink, just come to me and let it all out, okay?”
A calmer face of Anger nodded in agreement.
“Yes…. let it all go… let everything go… We are nothing but a tiny blimp in this vast universe… our significance is none… let it all go…”
“Please go away!” commanded all the members in unison to this uninvited echo.
“When will he learn?” I scoff yet again, resuming my primary task. “With that sorted, I will move on to the final two members of this council of enemies. Procrastination and…”
Right in the middle of my words, out emerged a heavy-breath-ed stout man, somewhat smaller than Procrastination but still larger than most. Dripping with sweat and uneasiness to the brim, with his ballooning hands, he pulled out the chair and plopped his flesh on the seat beside his sibling.
“And Lazy,” I concluded.
“I am here, yes!” he announced rather wildly in his raspy voice, catching up with his ill-designed journey.
“You and your brother,” I direct to both the plump siblings. “You two need to keep each other in check… I mean, just look at you two!” I paused to observe their over-drooping features yet again. “How big are you going to get? I think this is the largest I have seen you become… Please, get a hold of yourselves,” I said in a pleading tone. “From this moment forth, both of your diets will be restricted!”
Thin eyes of the two heavy members shot up.
“I will make sure that whatever happens, I don’t end up overfeeding you.”
Both heavily gulped in realization, having no remarks to offer further.
“Now, with that resolved, let us move to the only member remaining,” I said. But before I could resume my final discussion with Fear, huge, periodic, and immensely loud thrashes began to rattle each partner present. The wooden table jumped with every thump as soon, an ominous and brooding shadow eclipsed the entire aura.
Instantly, almost as a reflex, Fear pulled out his long sword in one swift movement, with his helmet still on the table, and turned around to face this menacing shadow alone. “Evil is here,” he declared.
I shot a glance around the room then, each member including me had grown utterly frightened of this predicament, when I see the tiny being of Anxiety bury himself back underneath the table. Anger had lost his grin, Ego, his charm, Sadness, his paleness, and the two heavy fellows showed pitch-white across their wide bodies.
“Go away!” the lone-standing soldier commanded with an unshaken voice, standing against Evil with all his might. “You have no business here, Evil!”
“Grr…” only a set of cruel and harsh growls pierced through the aura in reply from darkness.
“Go away, I command you!”
“Grr… Must… Kill… All… Feelings…” the shadow disgorged in a venomous voice.
“To devour all, you must first go through me!” Fear was adamant in his tone and demeanor.
The jarring growls of Evil further regurgitated, but the soldier was unmoved, unhesitant even. “Come on!” he provoked this shadow further. “Come any closer and I will slay your right off!”
The snarling of this eclipsing shade went on for a few more moments before simmering down. Evil spewed one last grin across the room as his horrifying presence took a step back to where he emerged from. The thrashes of his large unbounded body faded in the distance as relief conjured amidst all of the present members, including me.
Unaware, I witnessed that each one of us had stood from our places as a result of this encounter, except Anxiety who was surely still living under the table. Without a moment to spare, Fear swirled back round to face me, planting the sword right on the table.
“Still think I am your enemy?” his intonation was clear.
I was the one at a loss of words then.
“I have one job,” he soldiered on. “And that one job is the most crucial, most important for me!” he stood firm, gazing straight at me with his wretched eyes. “That job is to save you.”
I listened gravely.
“My only commandments are Protect thy being. Since the beginning, I have vowed to protect you through the thick and thin of life, and I will continue doing so until your last breath is taken,” his gaze felt shivering with emotion. “You have to stop blaming me for your fears! I do not control or decide them. My work is to shield you from any danger that may occur. And all that scares you definitely fall into this danger category. So, as per my job, I avoid all of such dangers to repent you from causing yourself any harm. But if there is no harm, then show me! Make me believe that no danger is there, and I will stop making you feel fear for it.”
I stood plainly understanding Fear’s words.
“You are so scared of failures? Show me how failing is good for you, then I will stop showing up!” he took a deep breath in contemplation. “I am not your enemy… I never was. I am your guardian, your savior. I always will be.”
I was rendered speechless by such an utterance from Fear. My eyes stared straight into his withered brows of conviction. I felt pity for him, true pity for the state he was in. My guardian angel, yet the most underappreciated of all. “I am sorry…” I said.
“Don’t be sorry,” Fear shook his scarred head. “Understand that each of us,” he pointed with his armored hands at all of the council members. “We do not control you. We never have. You have always controlled us, told us what to do, enabled us in each instance of our being.”
He then leaned in close, sharing an unshaken eye-to-eye contact with my soul.
“Understand this fact, and maybe then you will stop seeing us as solely your enemies.”
With a hit of realization, I sat back down on my designated chair, the red folder in front of me. I gazed at each of the distinct members all standing then, fading slowly away into thick darkness from where they so-vividly emerged. The long face of Sadness, the nervousness of Anxiety, the flamboyance of Ego, the grinning of Anger, the largeness of Lazy and his brother, Procrastination, and in the end, the braveness of my sole guardian, Fear.
My breathing became the only thing left echoing alone in the darkness, light pooling from above on the empty round table still. Silence was immense, but only remained external as my internal mind was not so blessed, words of Fear rang continuously in my head.
We do not control you…
We never have.
You control us.
Understand this fact…
And maybe then, you will stop seeing us as your only enemies.
Thank you so much for reading!
I hope this unique story on self-retrospect instills grave thought among my readers and makes one realize the life-altering philosophies that seldom hide under the most mundane of things within our daily lives.
I wish you all to stay safe and have a great life ahead. Please leave your claps and thoughts in the comments below. I would really appreciate it!
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