Becoming a Seruni

Finding my self-worth amidst the jokes and miracles

The climb to only God knows where

About two years ago, I had a breakdown after finishing my Masters.

I did struggle to find a job that suited my interests and preferences, yes. I had a hard time battling my insecurities every time I wanted to join a forum and they asked for ‘Your Institution’ or every time everyone used their job position and company as part of their Zoom identity. I wasn’t sure what I was good at, even after my studies. Too scared to explore beyond what I was familiar with.

Long story short, I started bashing myself for not being what people think I should be achieving as an awardee, that is, among them, who works at an emerging start-up; researcher at a prominent university or international NGO; or some busy person at a private company or management consulting firm.

My psychologist at that time told me that I deserved self-love even if I did not achieve anything. I was surprised. She was surprised I was surprised. I was even more surprised that she was so surprised to hear me surprised. If you get what I mean.

Since then, I’ve moved on to two jobs, both by chance and by network. Not at all what I have planned for myself back during my postgrad studies, but surprisingly, by God’s will, I have enjoyed both. Sure it could be better, and the road could have been much smoother, but in this current one, I have the luxury of growth.

Was this still not enough for other people and how they think of me?

I have to agree, I haven’t had that much luck in the love department either. Being part of this minority religious community (whose values are great by the way and I consciously adhere to) but not quite within the common circles, having a higher degree than most of my male friends, and not exactly “young” any more, isn’t much of a helpful combo.

But I have had the luxury of meeting a wide range of people along the way. Some turned out to disappoint and break my heart, some turned out to be helpful, and some turned out to stay even though I thought they wouldn’t.

Funny when I think back at it, a lot of the things that have happened that have really impacted me aren’t actually things I planned myself. I had help from a lot of people: from finding a job to finding a partner. Makes me think again when I watch movies about people wanting to rule the world by destruction and physical dominance. You do get to control tangible land, yes, but can you really make people do what you say unconditionally? Impossible.

Unless you live alone and make robots. That is, until they uprise and kill you.

So I do believe in a higher Being orchestrating all this and making sure things turn out to the dot.

But why was I given such an uneventful love life and under-rated career?

Becoming a Seruni

One day someone said they’d invite me for an outing if I could transport everyone to the venue. I discussed this with another friend, and came to the conclusion that, sadly, you are your titles that come with you. In this transactional system of a world, it will always be Seruni, the girl who graduated from Manchester, or Seruni, the girl who drives the Vitara, or Seruni, the girl with the uneventful love life.

How can I just be a Seruni?

I remember the last time people around me made me feel like shit before this one. I turned out to give them a good slap in the face with all that I achieved only months later.

On one hand, my achievements beyond what others perceived of me made me feel like a million bucks. On the other, it is a toxic mindset to give to oneself, that one should achieve something in order to feel like a million bucks. Honey, you are your own million dollar prize, with or without proving it to others.

I want to start becoming comfortable to kicking ass and feeling like a million bucks about myself without having to care for what other people think.

I want to be a Seruni. Just Seruni. Or can I invent a title for myself: Seruni who kicks ass and is worth a million bucks more than you can ever be?

Where this Seruni will lead me, I don’t know. I have dreams but I believe God’s will will lead me to where I should be.