As I sit down to write, I find myself stepping into a new realm of possibility and authenticity. I just went through yet another breakup with an amazing woman. The breakup took us both by surprise. We were coming off of an amazing month of being together after experiencing a four-month rough patch that resulted in us breaking up over the holidays.
In choosing to get back together in early January, we were choosing to be real with one another and create something better than before. By all measures we were successful in that endeavor. That is why this breakup was so unexpected.
I recently attended a weekend-long seminar that left me with a possibility of creating more love and acceptance in my life as I work to find ways to inspire others and myself.
A couple of weeks prior to the seminar I noticed I was beginning to have a few doubts about our relationship. That innate pull towards her wasn’t quite there. Suddenly things felt forced like it did in month’s prior. I felt myself going backwards.
How could this be I asked myself. I was embarrassed by the thoughts I was having. We had been through so much and I had committed myself to her, but for some reasons things didn’t feel right.
All I could think about at the time was myself, and how bad it would look to have this relationship not work. I had made a public declaration to her and our relationship. I published an article on Medium about choosing her and shared it on Facebook. Life was good with her, and there was no way I was going to fuck this up again.
Instead of talking to her about the thoughts and feelings I was having, I had resolved to hope it would pass. I went into my seminar hoping to overcome the thoughts and feelings and to step into a more thriving possibility for us.
On the first night of the seminar, I was asked to look at an area of my life where I am suffering or struggling. I wasn’t suffering in my relationship, but I wasn’t thriving either. I was battling an internal struggle that I was losing.
As it turned out my now ex-girlfriend is very intuitive. She had been feeling that something was off. We talked about it on Sunday before I left home for the final day of the seminar. It was a conversation I did not expect to have, but yet needed to have. Our relationship ended that morning and it felt so surreal. I couldn’t believe what had happened.
It’s tough to love someone so much and yet still feel like something is missing. It seemed so selfish to think about. I mean having someone in your life that loves you and adds value to your life is winning. Who in the hell would walk away from something like that? This guy.
At the end of the day, I had to be true to what I was feeling and be honest with the person whom I both love and respect.
Looking back on things, I’m happy to have loved her and to have had her love me. I’m happy to have not walked away and called it quits for good in early January without truly trying and living in the possibility of creating something amazing.
I’m happy for an amazing month together spent truly giving the relationship a fair shot.
I’m happy for the mornings we spent talking over breakfast and each of us parting for the day with green smoothies in hand.
I’m happy to have “swiped right” in 2015. I’m happy that she didn’t dismiss me because I was only in town for the weekend and actually lived over 1,000 miles away.
I’m happy to have shared a home with her. I’m happy to have been accepted by her family and to have spent 10 days with people I barely knew.
I’m happy to have been taught what a healthy relationship looks like.
I’m happy to have been taught the meaning of acceptance.
I’m happy to have chosen her.
As we now go our separate ways and begin life in this new realm of possibility, I hope that we can one day be friends again.
Even though we are no longer romantic partners what we choose to be moving forward can be something beautiful.
It’s tough to imagine a world where I don’t know her and get to experience her light. My hope is that in time we can become great friends. I see that as a possibility.