A Long Goodbye

“Tay, did you know you said something profound this 4th of July?”


“Remember when you had the option of hanging out with Allison and all the cousins, or me and the old farts? Obviously, I’m not an old fart, but you know what I mean. You chose us. And do you know why?”

“Tell me.”

It’s because you said you didn’t know if this might be the last time you would see them.”


“And I kind of parked it in the back of my mind, but now we’re here…”

This time losing someone didn’t fully hit until the end of the week.

It was a Friday and I realized I was completely alone, while everyone else was doing what they should be doing on a typical Friday evening- socializing, laughing, enjoying the start to their weekend. Meanwhile I was in my room, door closed, lights on, mind empty — completely consumed with the permanency of another loss, very much ready to retreat and shut down.

Unlike losing a best friend or a significant other, this was one more relationship that would no longer continue in this present physical world.

I sat there in my chair, still and barely breathing.

This year especially, it has felt like so many people have been leaving for good.

My chest wavered so I told myself that I must be okay. Unlike so many, I’m still here.

This, is just a part of life.

But really, it just felt like another sober reminder of the inevitable moments to come.

An excellent podcast on “Rethinking Death”: http://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/464423367/rethinking-death

Originally published at tayzau.com on September 11, 2016.

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