A Mountain Top Experience, Sans Mountain

Possibly the final moment on my hero’s journey

Upsplash

Disappointment

I was disappointed. I was mad. I was pissed.

I expected more.

This life has given me disappointment after disappointment. I’ve cried a river and been white hot mad — then nothing changes. Life just repeats itself.

That’s Life

I dislike the phrase “that’s life”. It sounds powerless.

Why then does life keep repeating? Why are certain aspects of life my own version of Ground Hog Day?

Want to know the secret?

Events, interactions, emotions keep showing up bigger and more frequently until we:

see

honor

hear

listen

respect

the heart of what is showing up.

This past weekend was that for me. Deeply disappointed I dug my heels in to face the situation.

The Lesson

I entered into a transactional relationship instead of a unconditional loving relationship. I suppose at the time, I didn’t understand the difference. Now I do. Now I know better. Now I understand that when I engage in a transactional way my expectations are clearly met, as are theirs. It is a contract.

However, when we enter into a transactional relationship and don’t realized what our intention is, what our expectations are, if we assume the other person will just “know” . . . it will always end poorly. Why? It isn’t transparent or for the highest good of both people. Transactional interactions are mutually agreed upon.

In an unconditional loving interaction, we give without expectation of return. We enter into a space of love and wanting the best for both parties. We can enter into this space and still have an intention but it isn’t based on the other person. I love my kids 100% no matter what (my intention is to be a loving mother)— it isn’t a transaction. My love for them isn’t dependent on what they DO it is because they ARE.

As I enter more fully into my personal truth of treating every one the way I treat my kids . . . treating everyone with unconditional love, I must understand that I can’t exactly do that because some interactions are transactional

BUT

I can enter into each transactional relationship with transparency, intention, love and wanting the best for both of us in this kind of a relationship.

Now that I understand this or possibly have given myself permission to enter wholeheartedly into this mindset of relationship, it changes everything. One, I’m not longer embarrassed when I tell the cashier how much I love her new haircut. Back in my 20’s I was gregarious in my interactions with everyone but slowly I was told that wasn’t ok, I should be more refined. My late 20’s and into my 30’s I was barely recognizable to myself — everyone around me was happy with the toned down version I became.

I’m in a place now, firmly in my fifth decade and evaluating how I want to live, not how those around me that are unpleasable want me to be. I’ve spent the better part of my life living in a way that was not true to me. Face Palm! I’ve spent long walks with the dog crying hysterically as I slowly began to realize I lost myself. I wasn’t me.

Let’s get back to the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. My disappointment over the weekend.

Taking the boys to the top of South Mountain to contemplate life.

The Mountain Top

Over the course of a few days I have trekked up this figurative mountain. Standing at the top I could see myself clearly. Everything. The good choices, the horrible choices, the interactions grounded in love and those . . . well, not.

In that moment, I made the choice to live my life transparently to myself first and when necessary to others.

I’m still on the way down from the mountain . . . No white hair like Moses, no stunning white clothes like Jesus, yet there is a brightness about how I feel. Pure. Innocent. A personal wisdom guiding me.

I no longer harbor disappointment. I’m not pissed. The events of the past were merely lessons getting me to this point. My smile is bliss, my breath is joy, my heart is pure love. My arms bring in AND push away what doesn’t serve me. I am transformed.

Now What?

Pictured Rocks — fear kept me back, but not my son — he is already living fearless!

I’ve been thinking “now what?” since the moment that I had this epiphany.

The answer . . .

“Do what is put before you and do it with joyful, loving kindness and bliss. Be love. Do not be afraid.”

So here I am. Blundering along doing my best in each moment. I don’t know how life will show up but I know how I will respond to it. I’m ready for the shit storm. I’m ready for the hatred. I’m ready to have my name smeared. I’m ready to be ignored and made to feel like an outcast. Or maybe the opposite?Maybe my words will matter to just one person. Maybe my actions will make a small difference. No matter what comes my way, I‘m ready. I have the confidence, the love, the compassion and the curiosity needed to meet “life”.

What you seek is seeking you. Rumi

I love this quote. I’ve repeated it 1000’s of times in the last several years — more of a question than a statement. This past weekend, my answer appeared. I found what I am seeking and what has been seeking me. How exciting.

And now my life really begins.

We are all walking each other home!

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