I’m Really Tired of Apologizing. Aren’t You?
Okay, Love, I’m ready to take you up on that.
I’m really tired of apologizing. I’m weary with taking on blame and defensiveness for everything. I’m coming to realize that the last thing I want to be is the proverbial Eve of the Bible tale, coming clean on taking the apple from the tree and yet carrying the burden of guilt with her in spite of her admirable honesty. How many years do I intend to be on the defensive, hiding from my natural confidence, bravery, and wisdom? Not to mention my right to hang out in the available paradise of feeling worthy, innocent, and free?
It’s taken a long time for me to really see that this subtext of apology coursing through my experience isn’t doing me or the world any favors. Sure, I do remember years ago my mom saying to me something along the lines of: “There you go again, Laura, apologizing for being alive.” I even apologize for apologizing. My mother’s comments woke me up a bit to that behavior, but I just kind of owned it as a cute little quirk, another element of my unique little insecurities. “Oh, she’s right,” I thought, “I do spend an awful lot of time apologizing.” But did I give it up or really even seek to? No, that was years away. TODAY.
As I’ve been immersed in training for life coaching, I’ve had to be my natural and necessary first client. A litany of limiting beliefs and long-held fears began to emerge — some of them old friends and others startling to discover! It’s been a challenging time emotionally and mentally and an exciting, invigorating time as well. Everything in my life had been coming up for a reckoning anyway, and the call to coaching was divinely well-timed. I have been forced to face my fears and doubts pro-actively, and finally ready to do that so that I can help others do the same; so they can wipe the slate clean to find the power we all have within us, only needing simple permission from ourselves to begin living like we were meant to live.
As I’ve made my way through the maze of my own weirdness, I discovered one very crystal clear thing: I like honesty. I find artifice to be toxic when I put it on, knowingly or not. I am coming to realize that I am what I am and that who I am is not some fool or some devil that needs to have excuses made for her behavior. My heart is big and my spiritual intuition is strong. I know what I know and I feel the best when I act like myself and when I stop hiding behind apologies, accommodations, excuses. I not only feel MY best when I stop saying I’m sorry for being me, I am also able to do infinitely more good for others. Because, I’ve discovered, when we hide behind the false, no one gets the benefit of our Truth, our genuine sincerity, and the power that comes from that. No more hiding!
I realize I need to break in here before anyone accuses me of saying we never need to apologize for wrong doing. Of course, we do! It is polite and kind to recognize a mistake, one that is really a mistake, and own up to it with our genuine contrition. Kindness is the key. It is often the most loving and healing thing to say we are sorry, even if it is just for a misunderstanding, whether we were truly at fault of not. I’m talking about something else here and I think you already know that! I’m talking about wrongly living your life as if it needs a defense attorney following it around. I’m talking about self-kindness.
So, here’s a quick summary of me, yesterday — I apologized every time I left a job that didn’t suit me, a relationship that wasn’t from my heart, an endeavor that I was no longer feeling committed to. I apologized for being too quiet or for saying too much. I chastised myself mentally when I have been too vulnerable and also if I’ve been too vocal about something that felt wrong to me. I got defensive and overly explanatory about being an introvert, about my food choices, the hours I keep, the way I sing a song. Nearly everything I am was fodder for an apology or justification. (Man, I sound pathetic!)
But, actually, I wasn’t really pathetic. I was just keeping myself small. I was jumping to self-judgment (verbally or mentally) before anyone else did so I could head them off at the pass. And in the process of staying safe, I was effectively subjugating my natural free spirit, reining her in because, my God, what would happen if she went wild and just lived each moment without judging it?
Guess what? What would happen? The world would keep turning and the wild girl would still remain her natural, loving, responsible, giving self and shine even brighter with the shield of deflection down so her true, natural, smiling, confident face could be seen. That girl I just described is the me of TODAY. That’s my new reality. And while I may be late to the party, I’m not saying I’m sorry! Today is as good a day as any to live loud, proud, authentically, and unapologetically!
Would you like to join me? Awareness is the first step. Listen to yourself as you go through your days–both to your words and your inner thoughts. What are you hearing? What are you feeling? Are you keeping yourself small and selling yourself short? Or are you letting your genuine power out of the box to run free and do some of its intended good in the world, without apology or explanation?
Love yourself enough to stop saying you’re sorry or feeling that you should. I am learning to do this for myself and it feels heavenly. We can stop agreeing to be like poor Eve, giving away her true innocence by taking on the role of the guilty and giving up her natural joy and freedom as a result. Be yourself. Love what you are. It is freeing, powerful, and honest!
I am a Life Purpose Coach specializing in helping people to find the keys within themselves that unlock the doors of small and limiting experiences. I help guide them to new perspectives and actionable steps toward a bigger, better, more authentic , powerful, and poetic life. I would love to hear from you if you are interested in learning more about being coached or becoming a coach yourself! LauraMoliter@gmail.com, www.poeticandpowerfulliving.com
Originally published at poeticandpowerfulliving.wordpress.com on August 8, 2016.