Here it is again.
I couldn’t hold Patience within the city walls any longer.
These feelings remind me that life isn’t as smooth as I remembered.
My bad mood has taken hold.
I’m in even more of a mood because I know I’m in a bad mood. I’m in what my dad calls: ‘a decline.’
He’s right. I can’t stop. Every surge of frustration in my jaw clamps me further.
I’m uncomfortable, and I can’t really pinpoint why now. Am I hungry? Could be. Do I need exercise? Probably.
Life is tough. It isn’t fair. In addition to that, it’s annoying.
I have no choice.
Is that strictly true?
Yes, fool. Of course it is.
Really, though? Do I need to feel this way and be immobilised by it?
What if a bad mood was actually a gift, rather than a barrier?
Come off it with that woo woo talk. Seriously?
One thing’s for sure. I don’t feel dead when I’m in this mood.
That’s true. I could rip the head off a chicken.
I feel energy. It’s a kind of irritating energy, but it’s there.
What if I used this vibe for something?
Could I use my anger to make a step forward?
What if feeling like old socks was my spirit’s way of telling me that I wasn’t doing enough?
Hey spirit, that’s mean. I’m trying my best here.
But right now, am I being all I can be?
Ok, I admit it. I’m not.
Can I do better?
I guess so.
Ok, so then why don’t I use that energy?
I suppose there’s no reason why frustration can’t help me do something.
I could use it to move. To walk.
I could use that energy to assert myself.
I could use it to take courage with that thing I need to do.
I could tell that person what I’ve been needing to say to them.
Um, that’s scary.
But then again, why should my mood control me?
That’s plain stupid, thinking about it.
It’s just a sensation.
I could ride on my aggression instead of trying to hide it.
Actually, I’m already starting to feel better.
Screw it, I say. I have nothing to lose. I’ll do it, even if I’m feeling terrible.
I will do even more than what I need to do.
I’ll go there, then edge a little further.
I’ll say: hello fear! Remember me? I’m moody, and I’m ready pal.
I will surprise even myself.
I’ll embrace my bad mood.
And I’ll thank my spirit.
(Written in a bad mood, now feeling better).
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Originally published at alexmathers.net on September 6, 2017.