Deep Talk: the Road to Happy

Small talk doesn’t lead to happiness. Deep talk does. So choose wisely.

Small talk. Chit-chat. Tweets, posts, texts & quick emails. Polite party conversation. We’ve all been there. We all engage in different types of “small talk” to some extent in our lives. Small talk is a communication skill just like sautéing is a culinary skill.

However, a recent study suggests that small talk doesn’t lead to happiness. Small talk doesn’t build meaningful, lasting relationships. Instead, happiness is supported by more substantive conversations.

In “Eavesdropping on Happiness” published by Psychological Science, seventy-nine participants wore a recording device leading to 20,000 voice recordings. The recordings were categorized into two buckets: “deep conversations” or “small talk.” According to the study, the happiest participants had twice as many deep conversations and one third as much small talk than the unhappiest participants.

This study points to the vital role conversations play in building happiness and relationships. The first step is to become more mindful about how and when we engage in small talk. Then, we can consciously choose to transform small talk to deep talk on a moment to moment basis.

Don’t let small talk be your default setting.

Sometimes, small talk becomes our habitual default mode of behavior. We engage in the same repetitive conversations because that’s what we’re comfortable with. Unfortunately, this tendency robs us of the chance to engage in more meaningful conversations that lead to greater well being.

In a few situations, small talk may be a wise choice. Other situations could go either way: you could keep chit-chatting mindlessly or elevate the conversation skillfully. And finally, some situations beg for a deeper conversation even though small talk may be the path of least resistance. Take a moment to understand the situation and context before you speak. In other words, don’t fall for the small talk trap without thinking about it first.

So next time you’re initiating conversation, ask yourself: Do I want to have small talk in this situation or do I want to take this conversation deeper?

Cultivate mindful small talk.

If you’ve decided that small talk is the best option in a situation, do it well. Small talk, like washing dishes, driving or even walking, can be done carelessly or mindfully. The art of small talk is a dance between asking, speaking and listening.

Asking. Rather than ask, “what do you do?” you could ask, “what do you love most about what you do?” Rather than ask “how was your day?” you could ask “what was the best part of your day and why?”

Speaking. If someone asks you, “how are you?” you could respond with a simple, heartfelt response, rather than a two word answer that means very little. Include details from your day that help paint a picture.

Listening. Even when you’re in the middle of small talk, try to listen with your whole awareness, lock eyes and be fully present.

Every conversation holds the potential to deepen relationships. So, seize the opportunity to go deeper.

The beautiful thing is, the option to have a deeper conversation is always available to us. We just need to recognize this and make the most of the opportunity. It takes the slightest nudge to break the cycle of small talk and start talking about what really and truly matters to us.

Going deeper involves being comfortable with vulnerability while asking and answering revealing questions. Relationships are reinvigorated when we delve & discover new things about each other, things that we never made the time or space for before. When we tap into the real stuff — the details and dynamics of the human experience — the unimaginable power of conversation & connection become available to everyone. I think that’s what Oprah meant when she said “Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.”

Try this. Next time, take the lead and share something you wouldn’t normally feel comfortable sharing. Or, ask someone you love something you’ve never asked them before. Consciously embark on a conversation journey together that both deepens your relationship and boosts happiness.