Developing Compassion for Yourself
Self-compassion is about treating yourself kindly, in the way you would treat a dear friend. It also means that you have a caring space within yourself that is free of judgment, and where you can be gentle with yourself. As part of her research on the topic, Dr. Kristin Neff (2016) identified three facets of self-compassion: self-kindness (taking time to reflect on your situation as a part of life’s journey and embracing yourself with warmth), common humanity (recognizing that we are all imperfect and sometimes we fail), and mindfulness (which helps us gain a more balanced perspective of ourselves).
Developing self-compassion is vital, as it is a way of replenishing your energy. Even if you’re very successful in your professional and personal lives, you still might not enjoy a work-play balance, which is the key to emotional and physical health. Part of developing compassion for yourself also involves a certain amount of self-care. Deciding what to do in this area is a personal choice, but you can begin by making a list of what brings you joy, calms you, or makes your heart sing. Engaging in self-care activities is also an optimal way to learn more about yourself.
When you schedule every minute of your day with an activity, it’s easy to become depleted, which might result in exhaustion, feeling disconnected, and being left in a weakened state. Finding the time to nurture compassion within yourself can help prevent any or all of these conditions, and also prevent burnout.
Unfortunately, some people may view caring about themselves as a selfish act, but the exact opposite is true. If we take good care of ourselves, we can take better care of our loved ones. The truth is that the strongest and most successful people are those who feel genuine compassion for themselves, their circumstances, and those of others.
Having compassion for yourself is a stepping-stone to having compassion for others. Instead of suppressing your pain or dissatisfaction, try to be with it and allow it to soften your emotions. When feeling compassion for others, you may tend to project kindness and empathy toward them. Self-compassion means doing the same for you. When things don’t go as planned, treat yourself as you would a friend. Be soothing, give yourself a hug, and look in the mirror and say kind words to yourself.
As author and American Buddhist Pema Chödrön (1998) says, “As the barriers come down around our own hearts, we are less afraid of other people. We are more able to hear what is being said, see what is in front of our eyes, and work in accord with what happens rather than struggle against it” (p. 237). In other words, when you have compassion for yourself, it’s easier to be compassionate toward others. You’re more likely to be able to put yourself in others’ shoes and understand what would make their hearts sing. However, it’s difficult to do so if you have no idea what makes your own heart sing.
Here are some prompts to help you develop compassion for yourself. You might write about ways that you:
-Show compassion for yourself.
-Show compassion for others.
-Can be mindful in your daily life.
You might also write about a recent painful event where you felt bad or judged yourself, then write about the experience again — with self-compassion as your guide.
For more information, please visit: dianaraab.com or Twitter @dianaraab
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Chödrön, P. (1998). “A Practice of Compassion,” In Inner Knowing by H. Palmer, Ed.
Neff, K. & Davidson, O. (2016). “Self-Compassion: Embracing Suffering with Kindness.” In I. Ivtzan & T. Lomas (Eds.), Mindfulness in Positive Psychology (pp. 37–50). Ruthledge.