Don’t Use Too Much
Learning how to serve our own needs.
Being in the health and wellness industry for over a decade, I deeply understand the relationships between hydration, proper small meals, exercise, supplements, stretching, and all the important small tasks that enable our physical body to function at a high level.
However, I had been hiding a personal block that gradually loomed larger and heavier in my life. It started with not feeling like I had ‘enough time’ to properly take care of myself during the day. No lunch. No water. No bathroom breaks. Then that ritual of denial expanded to include missed breakfasts, because ‘all I need is just a coffee to get going.’ Then the evening meal started slipping later and later. At that point I was constantly dehydrated, dangerously dehydrated. I would starve myself during the day and then binge eat and drink at night… ravenously shoving everything I could find into my mouth, hunched over a kitchen counter. I couldn’t touch the ‘Why’ behind this behavior. It was totally the antithesis of what I stood for, what I shared, what I encouraged for my clients.
WHY? Why was I this stupid? Ridiculous? I never felt like a fake, because I wanted to find MY fullest health and my BEST balance, but it remained elusive. It almost felt like I would go unconscious as a way to not admit this behavior in myself. And then my father passed. And almost exactly a year later, as I was shoving cake into my mouth at quarter til midnight after a nonstop day of clients, I got hit.
I felt unworthy of using resources.
I didn’t deserve to have my needs met.
I didn’t feel that I deserved to drink water when so many other people were thirsty. I didn’t want to eat when others were starving. Why should my needs, MY needs, be met? And I started crying through cake crumbs. This was an old story I had carried my whole life AND COULD NOT ADMIT.
Don’t use too much toilet paper, don’t use all that wrapping paper. Do you really need a second helping at supper — leave some for your father. Do you really have to join band, it will be hard to come pick you up. Would you mind quitting chorus? Can you get your own ride home? Don’t eat too much. Don’t drink all that. Don’t ask for more. Don’t waste the water when you shower. That pad wasn’t full, why are you wasting it? Eat the stale cereal first. Sending you to this is a big expense, it better be worth it. Do you really want braces?
I had internalized and accepted at a deep level that I was NOT deserving of resources, of meeting my own needs. And to be crystal clear, the adults in my life also denied their own needs and wants out of guilt, fear, and shame.
So after a day of denying my body, a buried, but strong, survival instinct would turn me into a feral animal in my kitchen at night. My spirit was a wolf, needing to become a werewolf, to survive and to feed my own body over my objections.
And I just… broke…down. Because I was missing self-love. I did NOT love myself enough to look after me. I was always last on my list. And while most women can identify with that statement, it was hard for me to accept as a non-mother, a non-traditional woman.
I have started this new journey of answering my needs and some wants. Of being respectful to my SELF. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I have become the Happiness Expert to share the message of being happy with ourSELVES (mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies) is a lesson worth learning and passing on to future generations.