Letter from Peter:
I broke up from my partner (she is from italy) and we have a kid. She dumped me and her new partner dumped his wife to be together.
We had a long distance relationship for five years and until this may on my birthday she told me that she doesnt love me and that she fall in love with her director in her institute. What i am suppose to do to get my ex, or if cant get her back how should i keep my relationship with my 3,5 years old son.
I started no contact zone and not answering her calls or emails for a week. I want to see my kid but feeling that she is using kid to see my availability (as a spare) for her building up her new relationship.
Her emails talk about how something happened and she fall in love with the new guy and she does not love me and want me to accept this situation and they can arrange time to see my kid. And she is not going to change her mind. In the last email she is sorry that i cant manage to father my kid without her. And not contacting her she is thinking that i want to punish and hurt her but actually i am hurting myself and the kid. I dont want to see her and the kid because i am feeling that she is checking my availability for her so i need time and think what to do. I still love her even she unfaithfully betrayed me. But we have a kid and he is little. And we did not have any problem during 5 years. Not an argument even. Now i am seeing a doctor and sleeping with pills.
Please help me what to do and what not to do.
Your situation is very delicate, especially when there is a child involved. It must be handled with extra care.
Your ex made the decision to leave her child’s father, aka you. It’s not an easy thing to do, but she made that decision anyways. She was desperate, and she thinks the new man is better than you.
I understand that you really want to get your ex back right now. But she was unfaithful.
Imagine if you did get her back — are you sure you can feel secure, think she won’t cheat, and you can forget all of this betrayal to continue with the relationship?
Ask yourself this questions truthfully. Because this is not about her — it’s about your lifelong happiness.
And even if she came back to you, at the back of her mind, she won’t respect you anymore. She thinks that you’ve let her get away with cheating, it means that next time she cheats, you will welcome her in open arms again.
Can you really endure someone who has a tendency of cheating, for your whole life?
If I were you, I would not try to get her back. Relationships are not easy, but if the other person has moral issues, the relationship is going to fail over and over again. So don’t get her back! You deserve better — in fact, you should feel happy she left you so you don’t have to suffer anymore. You can start moving on. So no matter how hard it is, I’ll give you a little exercise for everyday: Keep smiling, tell yourself that you just got away from a poison. You deserve to be happy. And there’s no point worried or feel sad/angry anymore, because the poison is gone.
Normally, I would ask you to ignore her messages. However, because you have a child involved, and you want to see the child, you must be able to communicate that with her — that’s how you maintain relationship with your child.
From what you told me, your girlfriend does not seem to feel guilty about cheating on you. And for some reason, in her emails, she said that she does not love you and wants you to accept the situation. On the other hand, you believe that she’s treating you as spare.
So, this is what you should do.
You don’t want to mention that it is her problem, that she is wrong. (I know she is wrong, but you should not mention that or else it will backfire. Our main aim is to maintain the relationship with your child — so you have to swallow your pride and do whatever it takes.)
Also, do NOT mention that you still love her. Otherwise, she and her new partner will avoid seeing you, and won’t let you see your child.
From now on, she is just an acquaintance to you. But you also need to understand, she may be afraid that you will take the child away if you met him alone, so she may insist that she will be there at your meeting as well.
Remember, when you talk to her, it’s a negotiation, not just a friendly chat. Treat this as a business meeting to get what you want. Stay calm, don’t be emotional.
So, when you feel calm and ready, contact her and talk about this, ‘I understand that you don’t love me anymore, and I respect your situation. Thank you for your messages about making arrangements for me to meet our child. Since we are breaking up, I will not interfere in your relationships anymore, but I do want to spend time with our child and be a part of his life. I am sure that you as a loving mother would understand this. Since he will be living with you from now on, I hope to have some alone time with our child. When can I meet my child next weekend?’
If she says that she doesn’t want you to meet alone with the child, you’ll say, ‘OK, I understand. We can meet together. So when should we meet?’
When you meet with her and the child, meet at a public place, so that she can’t try to do anything intimate to you. You can also bring a close friend of yours, tell him/her what happened, so to avoid any intimate situations with your ex and avoid her treating you as spare.
Ask yourself: What do you do to your acquaintance? Do you hold their hands, talk about deep feelings and thoughts? No, you would keep an emotional distance, but you would also be polite and respectful.
That’s what you should do when contacting or meeting with her.
Also, you don’t have to respond to all her calls and messages. Keep it a professional relationship. Not a personal relationship. Keep conversations short and to the point — don’t talk about any feelings and emotions.
Your ex is not worth your sleepless nights. You should be happy she left you. You deserve someone faithful — and by letting go, you will find someone who will make you happy. Keeping working hard everyday to smile, appreciate small things in life — Love will come again when you make peace with yourself, and be happy.
My Story:
Like a lot of Asian families, I wasn’t allowed to date till I was 18 as I had to focus on my studies.
Suddenly, after 18, my family starting rushing me to start dating and getting a decent boyfriend. But no one wanted to pursue me — I lost confidence in myself because I saw all my friends had guys pursuing them. I thought it was because I’m not pretty enough.
I then tried to make myself pretty. And I took the advice from my friends — I started asking guys out. That didn’t work — they gave me excuses like they are too busy or just tell me they’re not interested in me. I lost my self-esteem once again.
One day, I saw my guy friend reading a book about how to get more dates. I was skeptical at first. But he told me he used the tips before and he started getting more dates. That’s when I had an epiphany…
Dating and relationship skills are not what we’re born with, it’s something that can be learnt!
Since then, I started to study the art of dating and relationships. I tried and tested almost all the popular methods of attracting and keeping the right man: some worked, and some didn’t work. Some of those tips even backfired on me, and I got many heartbreaks because of those tips.
It was a rough journey for me: I’ve been with jerks, been in long-term relationship, lived together, been dumped and dumped someone… But after all that, I finally found the man who met all my requirements, and I am now happily married. (Sometimes, I get tears in my eyes thinking how lucky I am to have figured it out)
Now, as a relationship coach, it’s my mission to help women to fast-forward the journey by using the skills that I’ve personally used and worked for me without getting anymore heartbreaks or using popular skills that would actually backfire…
Now that my practice has reached this point, I am only able to personally help so many people each week. The only way to do more is to expand outside my geographic area and my private practice and begin helping people online.
A lot of you keep asking me for help with your dating and relationships. Over the next coming weeks I’d like to do something a little bit different. I have decided to put together a Free Video Training to show you how I got to be in a loving, long-term relationship with my dream guy.
If you could take 5-mins to tell me about your situation, I’ll be able to use that information to make my Free Training awesome, and I can make sure to include topics that you specifically want to know more about in the Free Training.
