Haunted by a Childhood Story
Restoring Your Freedom to Be
Once upon a time there was a boy.
He was the most adorable little angel with long curls who sought to be seen and treasured, and belong. When he was little, something happened that deeply hurt him and made him believe he wasn’t good enough and nobody cared about him. Craving to be seen for whom he was in his heart, he even tried to be angry, yet, it made no difference so he repressed it. His soul was crying yet nobody heard his weep. Since those early days, his eyes carried the reflection of his sadness. Soon after, he abandoned loving himself convinced that nobody would love him back the way he wanted.
Not feeling understood, he found kindness in the mountains which captivated him with their magnificence and simplicity. The mountains detached him from the negativity and materialistic world within which he had found himself immersed as he climbed the ladder of success. Only among the peaks and the valleys, he loved himself. Only there he was himself.
As the years progressed, he reaffirmed his relinquishment. He’s learned how to survive and never give up. Hope was still flickering yet faith had long gone. He tried to be “seen” for whom he was because only then he could relate. He set himself on a journey to become successful as it somehow constituted a measurement of his worth. Because only then he could be loved and admired.
While fulfilling others’ needs, he was losing his voice, building an identity to protect him from himself and others. Everybody needed something and Mark, in his generosity, was giving away fully. As he lowered his expectations convinced that nothing better would come his way, he detached himself and drifted away to hibernation. As nobody listened, he chose not to listen to himself. As no-one asked what he wanted, he forgot to ask himself. He’s learned to ‘space out’ and buffer his feelings. At the end, he didn’t matter. He kept himself busy, compartmentalizing whatever life would send his way. He let others make decisions and schedule the life for him. As the time passed, he forgot his priorities and created ways of diverting attention from what he really sought in life. He neutralized his needs and feelings to numb the pain. He knew as long he didn’t really want anything, conflict and pain would not appear.
As he gave himself to others, he was fading away even more. Each meaningful relationship somehow reminded him of the pain he had endured. With each letdown, he arrived — yet again — at the same crossroads becoming one of these ‘empty shell’ people. Not that he didn’t love — he loved enormously yet the fear of pain was stronger and kept him guarded. He needed relationships to silence the longing from the bottom of his self-being. Yet he never let anyone inside. Avoiding to look at the root cause, he looked outside to find someone to fix him. Forgetting that in order to get what he wanted, he needed to begin with himself. In reality, he could have been the source of attracting people and circumstances who only reinforced his beliefs and fueled the wounds — allowing others’ unregulated and unsolved childhood stories to creep in.
He learned to go with the flow, virtually unnoticed. He stopped “feeling” and used his mind to make calculated decisions. He lived as he was destined to never receive what he truly desired. By giving away his power through putting somebody else’s needs ahead of his own, he embedded himself in his own victimhood and settled for less in life.
Maybe he suffered enough or deep inside he wanted to point his sinking boat home, we may never know. However, something took him back to the mountains — and this time the answer was awaiting him. He heard a voice, seducing him like a siren’s song. Exhausted by his prolonged condition, craving intimacy and connection, tired of fighting for his needs being met, he ended up following the voice and landed in the vortex that transformed him forever. He saw his wants and dreams for what they were. He felt love pounding through his veins as he became more present. His eyes were rinsed with tears. The rays of sun penetrated the layers of sadness. He was in love. Although he didn’t know that at first, his conscious mind did. He escaped the maze of his unconsciousness where the pain had lived and kept him hostage. He knew there was no way back and only a path forward. He felt excitement of awaking up from a dream. He grasped that love was measured in transformation, not time. The eternal heart only cares for the resonance preventing it from closing again. Once found, transformation is activated. And he was transformed.
He faces many choices as the strong pull of old beliefs tries to claw him back. He battles back. His beautiful mind and heart filled with love and compassion don’t want to hurt anyone including himself. He is an amazing father, leader, teacher, and friend. He senses there’s someone out there who fully gets him. He feels loved. He loves himself.
He is at the crossroads again — this time he has a choice. To catalyze an awakening to propel himself to become the person he was born to be.
If this story is about you, don’t wait and hide behind your past pains, fears and disappointments. Look at them with love and compassion. Ditch the beliefs that brought you here and stop running away from yourself. Start owning your feelings and emotions as they are part of your path to a truly liberated future. The future that happens right now.
If you found this excerpt valuable, please join me at My Tale of Transformation to read the full story and visit me at Kasia Jamroz, CPCC, ACC for more insight into the realm of personal transformation. Sharing your thoughts in the comments section will enrich my further exploration of human nature.
Originally published at www.huffingtonpost.com on April 7, 2017.