How to Change the Way You Talk to Yourself
“Be nice,” applies to us too
“Just sit still,” Dad would tell one of my brothers.
Everyone knows kids have trouble sitting still for anything, even hair cuts.
The electric shaver he used to cut hair would get too close to their scalps. They’d flinch and cry out, “Ow!”
“Stupid idiot! I told you to sit still,” Dad would say, slapping them.
Some conversations refuse to leave our memories. And sometimes the words we can’t forget are the ones we tell ourselves. But I’ve learned how to change the way I talk to myself.
The negatives
They say it takes 9 positives to combat one negative thing we hear. Nine.
And yet, we replay the negatives, in which case, we need to up our efforts considerably.
But it seems that negatives somehow cling to us, like this poem I wrote.
A Magnet
I seem to have a magnet
that’s deep inside my head.
And I repel the positive
and keep what’s bad instead.
Have you ever been on your way somewhere, knowing you should turn left? You’ve done it many times before, your car knows it by heart. But for some odd reason, you turn right. And immediately you hear:
What did you do that for?
What’s the matter with you?
You never do anything right!
So how can we combat those accusations? Because clearly, they will happen. It’s not even a matter of “if,” but rather a matter of when.
Affirmations
I’ve found writing out affirmations is helpful. It was something a counselor suggested, since I struggle with negative self-talk. Affirmations became my friends.
The only rule is that they must be positive. Affirmations are statements that affirm you as a person. If you have also heard negative statements in your own voice, think of things you wish others had said to you.
Things like:
It’s okay, you made a mistake.
You did your best, it’s alright.
You can always try it again.
You can go further by adding positive words to your inner vocabulary. Words that may feel strange at first, but add them just the same.
Words like:
You’re smart.
You’re funny.
People like being with you.
The longer your list, the more you’ll have in store for fighting the negatives.
If we consistently fight the negatives, eventually, we won’t get slaughtered every time we make a mistake.
Once is not enough
With affirmations, what you want to do is write them out by hand about ten times. Writing it out helps you retain it. And the more times you write them during the day, the more effective you will find them. One time for each one is just not enough.
True story: I once had a problem with my older brother. Okay, several. And I made everything worse in my own head because I thought I had to like him, and it was clear I did not. At least, at that time.
One affirmation that freed me up was this:
I have the right to not like my brother.
I have the right to not like my brother.
I have the right to not…
By giving myself the right, I felt less shame when I’d have a negative thought about him. When I gave myself the right, I treated each little thing separately, and that was doable.
I kept a spiral notebook, filled with this affirmation, as well as many others. Running across it, I had to smile. You see, I was so skeptical. But not only did it work, I ended up seeing a lot of great things in my brother, I would have missed. And when that happened, I easily cleaned out the closet of my mind and had a good chance of strengthening my relationship with him.
Years later, when he shared he had Pancreatic cancer, I was there for him completely. Not just because he was family, but because he was someone I loved and liked. I’m so thankful I opened my mind, and my life to him.
Make a list
Jot down the negative things you tell yourself, or even those you hear from others. And when you have that list, next to each word, write the opposite word. Write what you would like said to you.
Examples:
stupid — intelligent
ugly — nice looking
insensitive — care about people
Everyone’s list will be different, because we’re all unique, but there will be some words that find themselves on many lists.
Listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to how you feel when you talk to yourself. I have found I’ve even changed the tone of how I talk to me.
While some negative self-talk starts in their family of origin, this is not the case for everyone.
Some people will start off with a great home base. But somewhere along the line, they meet someone who puts them down. Instead of standing up to it, they start believing the negatives.
The good news is, you can build up your self-confidence. You can change your self-talk and actually become your own biggest fan.
P.T.S.D.
I struggle with post traumatic stress disorder. Sometimes buttons get pressed, and while I look like I’m an adult, my inner dialog is shaming the child within.
Affirmations have been helpful to me because I realize buttons will get pressed in life. The experiences we have now will remind us of other ones, sometimes painful.
How we talk to ourselves really matters.
I’ve found some sentences that help those who struggle with anxiety or depression.
When I was in a dark place in my thinking, it felt like I would always be there. Like it was inescapable. These affirmations helped me:
You’re not always going to feel like this.
You’re okay.
It will be alright.
People who struggle with negative self-talk need someone on their side. And who better than the person who’s always with them?
“Be nice”
One of my friends struggled with putting herself down. Maybe in a way, she thought she’d beat everyone else to it.
Finally, one day I told her, “Sherry, be nice to my friend.”
And she smiled.
From the time we are little, we’re told, “be nice.” In our homes, we are told to get along with our siblings.
And then we go to Kindergarten, and the teacher tells us, “Be nice.”
And we really try. But it’s towards others, not inwardly. It’s time to realize how we treat ourselves matters much more than we thought.
Even the Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:30–31)
Try it out. Write down some of the negatives you tell yourself. Take a few minutes and they’ll surface.
Think of the last time you got embarrassed, you’ll be able to think of a lot of negatives surrounding that. Jot down others as they happen. You have nothing to lose by trying this out.
There will always be negative
When I was younger and my friends went on to college, I tried to go too, but my mom’s death a few years earlier made it impossible to think.
Thirty years later, I returned to school. First I attended a junior college, and then with an A.A. degree, I transferred to a university and graduated Summa Cum Laude.
And I remember calling my aunt on the phone, “Aunt Jeanette, I did it. I graduated.”
She said, “You graduated?” And then she added, “You could have done this years ago.”
But even her words did not squelch my feelings of accomplishment.
The real victory
When I attended Judson University, in Elgin, it meant I had a 40-minute drive. The drive was unfamiliar. That scared me because I am direction deficient. Don’t bother to look it up, I’ve given myself that title. It simply means when it comes to going anywhere, the probability is high that I will get lost.
My classes were condensed, so I’d get my B.A. in 15 months, but that still meant I would be going to class twice a week and mostly at night.
With a hand-drawn map from my husband, I set off on my first day.
I can do this, I told myself. And true to my form, I got lost.
Sitting on the side of the road in tears, I felt defeated.
How could I do this 88 more times?
Judson University was near an expressway, so I could have saved time by taking that route. But I was too scared.
One day, I was just about at school. I saw the expressway ahead and knew I had made it. But instead of taking the street I needed, I turned too soon. And the next thing I knew, I was ON the expressway.
I tried to remain calm as tears ran down my face and my heart beat out of my chest. I managed to get off in a couple of exits.
I walked in the gas station for directions. (This was pre-cellphones and G.P.S’s.)
“How can I get to Judson University?” I panted.
“Oh, you’re almost there,” the attendant replied. “All you have to do is get back on the expressway…”
“No!” I interrupted, I don’t want to take the expressway.”
And so he explained the longer, less traveled route. And 40 minutes later, I walked in class, my red face stained with tears of humiliation.
Did I have what it took?
Eventually, I learned the route there and back. Yes, I got lost a couple more times. No, I did not take the expressway again. That lesson in life would come much later.
I did it!
Graduation day, as I waited to receive my diploma, I knew what I had accomplished to get there.
And I heard my own words, “Good job Anne. I knew you could do it.”
Those trips taught me how to talk to myself. I learned how to calm myself down when I got lost.
You can do this.
I know you can do it.
Just breathe.
And you know what? I was right. I did do it.
And whatever it is that you’re facing, you can do it too. For inside of you lives a person who can root for you the loudest.
Give yourself a chance.
Call to Action:
Do you struggle with negative self-talk?
What have you found effective?
I’d love to hear from you.
Life is hard, so I write words to make it softer.
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