Loved Me Back to Life
Today — Fear Is a Choice and Tastes More Like an Adventure.
I spent 35 years with a person who had lived her life out of fear. The fear of death, fear of life, fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted or being listen to, and being on her own. The fear of controlling and being controlled, of not complying enough or pleasing too much. Out of fear â€“ denying herself and others the life which was theirs to live. She was a victim and a martyr at once.
She took off three years ago, leaving behind a bitter-sweet memory — bare reminiscence of predictability and stability — the “known”. The comfort and safety of the familiar. The luxury of the status quo. The indulgence in the way things always have been since the beginning of the world. Her departure brought sorrow and anger of those whom she had left behind along with disbelief and denial. Some still ask “How could she?” Some miss her and wait for her return.
She — on the other hand — is truly gone. Gone with the wind holding only onto a memory of how she came back to life.
Today, she wakes up into unfamiliar. She chooses to love herself despite being reminded how “off the beaten track she is.” Love that is not perfect and asks a lot of her — to be true to herself and live the life out of her own creation. She knows, that world is not designed to give you what you want unless you reach out and craft it for yourself. The only fear she experiences is from the possibility of somehow losing this gift and that the dismay could dominate and overpower the love again. She acts out of love even when it looks like she is the source of hurt when others don’t get what they want. Most people assume that she has the very things they need or want and she must give it to them so they can be happy. Forgetting that, most things they want, can be only gotten by themselves and from the within. That person next to them can only offer a space where their own love can be expressed fully and unconditionally. While that space can offer healing, it is not there to fix anything.
She could still fail at getting people what they want — so she takes a chance — and may as well get what she wants first — as then everything else will fall in to own place.
Fear- today has a different taste. Today — fear is a choice and tastes more like an adventure.
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