Speak Up About Your Career!

I had lunch with a friend and former colleague yesterday, and at some point the topic turned to the mentoring he was doing. The company he works for is focused on diversity, and they have identified high potential women that they want to encourage in their careers- so he now has 6 female mentees.

He noted that there is one theme that is consistent across all of the discussions he has had with these women — which is that they are exceedingly reluctant to be vocal with their bosses about what they want for their careers. He asked me why this is the case- and whether I had observed this with my female employees over the years. Although I am not generally one for differentiating my coworkers by gender, I will say that in this particular area, my experience matches his observation.

He said that when he asks them why they are reluctant to talk to their bosses about their aspirations, generally they say that it is because they are afraid that their manager will be angered by them raising this discussion. From personal experience I know that most managers would be dismayed to think that any of their employees would be afraid to have a career discussion with them, so somewhere the wires are getting crossed.

This whole discussion brought to mind an experience that I had years ago when I was running a large business in an Investment Bank. One of my peers and I were hosting a session for people who wanted to be promoted to MD- a panel discussion. This topic of how men and women generally interact differently with their bosses came up. The fellow on the panel with me told the audience that he had noticed over the years that most of the guys in his business would find a reason at some point to pop into his office and have a chat- about work, about football — whatever. He also noticed that none of the women ever came in to chat, so he challenged them all to find a reason to come in some time that quarter for a discussion about anything. At the end of the quarter, none of the women (zero, nada, zilch) had stopped in.

What the actual heck?

So at my lunch yesterday, the colleague I was dining with asked me why this hadn’t been an issue for me in my career. I had two answers for that:

1. My father. I have written many a blog post on his impact on who I am, so I won’t make this a retread, but I can’t overstate how profound it was for me as a kid knowing my father thought I was capable and many, many times facilitated my being in tough situations — because he knew I can handle it. Fortunately I am now a grandmother to a truly kick butt 10 year old girl, whose father, my oldest son, (who is so similar to my own father) has been able to convey that same level of confidence in her. Priceless.
2. In the nicest possible way, and not being derogatory at all, I never looked at my colleagues (or bosses) as “men” or “women”. To me they were just professional colleagues, and I at least endeavored to treat them all that way. I also gave them the benefit of the doubt that they would also treat me as “professional colleague”, not as “female colleague”. This may also explain why I have never experienced the nightmarish interactions so often described among female colleagues not supporting one another (nor have I experienced anything I would classify as discrimination from men).

I realize that I have been lucky beyond measure in many areas (I won the parent lottery for sure) and also have been super fortunate in the workplaces I have had. But please, please, please- give your boss the benefit of the doubt and speak up about what you want in your career. Your boss is busy, is not a mind reader, and if you look happy doing what you do every day, they will assume that is what you want to keep doing. If that is not the case, you owe it to yourself to let them know!