The Angel that Stopped My Monsters
How Praying — and Sleeping — Saved My Life
The sun was setting as I laid in bed on a summer evening, crying. Anxiety from a struggling business and financial hardship had a horrifying grip on my throat, and I was ready to end it all.
I had spent hours staring at the ceiling fan, wondering if I could tie my bedsheets around them and hang myself. Thankfully, I concluded my weight would destroy the fan before the sheets took care of me, and I surrendered to misery.
With my eyes closed, I battled demons. And when I say I battled demons, I mean I could see them.
I had never experienced anything like it. Their horrific, animated faces taunted me from my eyelids, and everytime I closed my eyes, they appeared. Glaring at me with their empty eyes, fangs and devil horns, I was visited by creatures worse than any I had ever watched in horror movies.
If you haven’t experienced anything like this, I can imagine you may be wondering if I was drugged or psychotic. I assure you I was neither.
I was worse.
I was sleep deprived.
2–3 hours of nightly sleep for 18+ months had driven me to my breaking point. My chase for income had lead me down a path of despair. With no idea of my Why, I was saying “Yes” to every opportunity which crossed my path, resulting in work I disliked, disrespectful clients, and no time for my family, much less sleep.
As the demons continued to taunt me, I did all I knew to do.
“Please, God. Help me! Take these demons away and help me find happiness again.”
I repeated the prayer over and over, until… the unimaginable happened.
With my eyes closed, a bright white light appeared. An angel wing swept across my vision, and with the swoosh, all was silent.
The demons were gone. For the first time in over a year, I was at peace. I took a deep breath and fell into deep sleep.
Waking the next morning, I walked to my desk in my home office and sat down. There, I was amazed.
Lying on its side on my desk, was the angel bell my son had given me several Christmases before. A wing was broken off and on the desk next to her.
I knew I had been saved.
Life has drastically changed since that night. I haven’t thought about killing myself except to think about how I want to help other entrepreneurs who are feeling the same. A dear friend reminded me that I am ME and not all the other “successful” entrepreneurs who are boasting their 6-figure launches. I’m not meant to share their story. I’m meant to share mine.
And I’ve slept. 6 to 8 hours a night, peacefully and without stress, I’ve slept knowing that I am doing the best that I can do.
You can too.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or suicidal thoughts, please know you’re not alone. There are people out there — me included — who do care. All you need to do is ask for help.