The Anxiety Alliance

An Open Letter to Those Living with Anxiety

Dear friend, I need to start with an apology. You see, just three years ago I thought anxiety was a made-up ailment. My step-daughter had moved in with my husband, our other kids and I, and I couldn’t understand why she was having such a hard time. I wanted to shake her and tell her to get over it.

“Get your ass out of bed and go make some friends!” I wanted to scream. “Life isn’t going to get better if you just stay in bed all day!”

She said she was having anxiety attacks, and I thought she was full of it.

And then, she moved out. The transition from being an only child for 15 years to suddenly having 5 siblings was more than she could handle.

Coincidentally, my own battle with anxiety started as she was leaving. I found it ironic, but at the same time was relieved my husband didn’t have to deal with his teenage daughter AND my battles with anxiety at the same time.

I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I felt like I was suffocating, or being tied by ropes of depression. The moment my feet touched the floor, I lost the ability to breathe. I wanted to hide in my bed, however the stress of my business and the need to bring money in kept me going.

I didn’t help my anxiety. I know this.

I wasn’t able to think clearly, and the stress led me to push-push-push 22 hours a day. Nights turned into weeks, and weeks into months, until July 2016 — when I snapped.

I was exhausted, I was suffering from major anxiety, and I wanted to end it all.

I didn’t (read about it here), and you shouldn’t end it either. Somebody on this planet, if not thousands of somebodys, needs your brilliance.

I know anxiety feels like shit. I know because I still struggle.

I thought my battle with anxiety would go away when our financial situation improved. I thought it would go away when we bought our house, when my business had a five figure month, or when the kids were all potty trained.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Sometimes, actually, most the time, anxiety can’t be controlled by external circumstances. Do outside factors impact it? Of course. But, removing those external factors doesn’t serve as a magic anxiety removing pill.

When I’m in the midst of anxiety attacks, I tend to get closer to what I’m working on rather than step back and look at the big picture.

Anxiety makes me push harder, but I know relief comes for me when I step back.

I need to breathe, but instead I hold my breathe.

Sleep would make me feel better, but instead, I bust ass a few hours longer, getting little accomplished. The next day, I’m exhausted, frustrated by how much I still have to do, and more anxious.

What works for me may not work for you. I’m not a doctor, but instead, a sister also suffering with anxiety.

Suffering in silence won’t help anxiety. Not letting others know we are struggling will prevent us from getting the support we need. When we find somebody who can’t help, it’s our responsibility to keep searching for somebody who can.

I hid my struggle from my husband for almost a year. He was shocked. Actually, he was more than shocked. He was relieved.

I had been treating him differently than I ever had in our years together. He thought he was doing something wrong and that I didn’t love him. What was suddenly clear, however, was that the problem was with me, and not him.

And he wanted, as he still wants, to support me anyway he can.

My friend, I know life can be hard. Trust me, I know.

In the past eight years, my husband and I have endured four miscarriages, three unexpected kids (after we stopped trying to conceive), a mooching nephew who stole my car — and sold it, a repossessed car, eviction notices, disconnected utilities, overdrawn bank accounts, and numerous obstacles in my small business.

But, we’ve made it through. Through sickness and health, richer and poorer, better and worse.

And so will you.

Anxiety is a beast, but if you haven’t already, marry yourself.

Commit to yourself that you will give yourself the support you need.
In sickness and health.
Richer or poorer.
Better or worse.

You deserve to be the best version of yourself, and sometimes you can’t handle the demons of anxiety alone. You shouldn’t have to.

Give yourself grace.
Sleep when you need to.
Cry when you need to.
Scream when you need to.

And in that moment when the ropes of anxiety temporarily loosen, pick up the phone and call someone for support.

I’m here for you, and others are as well.