Up, Up, and Away

Letting Go of a Lover.

I used to feel so much resistance and negativity around the idea of letting go of a relationship. Initially — and I don’t think I’m alone — I viscerally feel the pain of loss, even if rationally I grasp the necessity of creating room for a situation better suited to my current state. It can be a slow process to feel true optimism around releasing a situation that is not working in its current form. It’s not over till it’s over, but if we’ve done everything we can and our standards and needs are still not being met, it’s time to move on. Where there is love there is always truth, and where there is truth, there are healthy boundaries. Unconditional love doesn’t mean we stay in a romantic relationship that is not balanced and healthy. Unconditional love means we love and respect ourselves first in order to truly love others, and that love lives on even when we need to go.

Brace yourself for the roller coaster of sadness/hopelessness/relief/freedom/anger/love/hyperactive energy/complete lack of energy/loneliness/trying too hard to branch out and socialize/not wanting to see anyone/newfound independence/existential crisis … and have faith in the transformation and peace that are to come.

All breakups are different, but when we love deeply and with devotion, it’s normal to feel lost and thrown off center. It’s ok to temporarily lose sight of the sense of purpose that used to seem so clear, or for activities to lack their luster. It’s ok to feel like we’re at square one of finding meaning, and it’s ok and necessary to feel everything. We can’t back away from it or distract ourselves or give into our addictions or self medicate or rebound. The emotions we don’t deal with get stuck in our bodies, sink into our subconscious and infect our future relationships and behaviors. Maybe we feel deeply depressed for a while, and then there’s a surge of badassery, freedom, assertiveness and empowerment that comes from making a choice we know is right…and there’s a skip in our step…but because it’s the very first momentum we’ve picked up to push a situation away, it’s a little forced and resembles a pop anthem telling someone off…and then we go right back to doubt, disappointment, emptiness, fear and confusion. Be proud of the fact that you were strong enough to make a decision that resulted from following your intuition and realize that all the pain you feel is a part of being a human being with a big heart and normal attachment. Eventually, the hurt subsides, the power trip fades, and the need to replace or recover what we lost also floats away. Eventually, if we take the time, there is forgiveness, there is love, there is solitude without feeling alone, there is change, and there is fertile ground for something truly new.

While grief is necessary, normal, and inevitable, nothing real is ever truly lost.

The relationship wasn’t working, so settling wasn’t a viable option. After some much-needed time alone to reflect, heal and improve, either someone new comes into your life who is better suited for you or there is a massive shift in the old relationship and you give it a new try after a change in perspective, consciousness and agreements. In any case, the love, the lessons — everything that was vibing at a high level from your relationship — remains.

Embrace loneliness and see what it has to teach you

Listen to the silence. There is always an opportunity to choose what thoughts we entertain and how to respond. This is a time to feel what’s true when we’re not putting up any fronts. It’s a time to decide what we want more and less of. We can’t change our destination in an instant, but we can change our direction in an instant. It’s a time to consider how we are measuring happiness/success/life satisfaction/coolness. What are our values, and are they working for how we really want to measure our worth and achievement in life? Drop into the loneliness. Is it painful? If you give yourself permission to not necessarily be productive (as long as it doesn’t interfere with responsibilities), does it become peaceful? Does it create a vacuum to invite creativity, or to make connections with people who aren’t a usual part of your circle? Do you discover a beautiful new routine that nourishes your soul? Be open to the huge chance for growth and discovery of new interests, talents, personal growth and ways to be of service. Know that loneliness is a universal human experience, and everyone experiences loneliness sometimes or for long periods of time. You’re not alone in your loneliness!


I used to think that if I wasn’t angry with the other person — if I hadn’t felt he had done anything wrong — and if I was generally proud of the way I had acted, there was nothing to forgive. But what I learned is that forgiveness is not just being free of the idea of being wronged. Forgiveness is the acceptance that everything is just as it should be. It’s accepting that everything is working out for our highest good. It’s forgiveness of the moment. In this way, forgiveness is the practice of presence, of nowness. It is acceptance. It is surrender.

Don’t play the ending — a stage rule applied to life

In acting classes, this is something I hear over and over. It means that even though you know how a scene ends, you can’t keep it in mind while you’re acting what comes before it. It’s the same with life and relationships. Sometimes fully letting someone go is the best and only hope for reconciliation in the future, but if you knew you were going to get back together, you would never learn the lessons and do the work necessary to get to that point. People with clairvoyant abilities will tell you that there are certain things they don’t get information about, because we have to exercise our soul purpose and free will. There are things we are not supposed to know. If we’re given the answer to our test, we don’t learn anything.

Be good to yourself. Spend time in meditation, and let the tears wash over you. It may seem easier to let go of someone when we can feel angry, but eventually we’re only able to let go when we’re left with pure love.

Originally published at www.desireelanz.com on January 3, 2017.

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