Parents, When Grandparents Don’t Agree With Your Parenting Decisions, Do You Become a Teenager Again?

After my son was born, I couldn’t believe the hospital was going to release him into my care. Did they actually think I knew how to care for a newborn? I sure didn’t!

But nature knows what its doing, and soon my baby and I began the ancient dance of bonding. Over time, I grew more confident in my mothering instincts. Still, doubts were never far away as each new stage delivered an opportunity to question my ability to do right by my little guy.

And never did that insecurity show up more dramatically than when I was with my own mother.

It was a joy to watch mom fall in love with my sweet baby. But when she questioned one of my decisions, I found it hard to stay in my grown up self.

You’re not letting him have juice in his bottle?

No mom — it’s not good for him.

Fruit is good for him!

It’s bad for his teeth to be bathed in all that sugar. Even the dentist says so!

Well it didn’t do you any harm. He needs the nutrients!

Mom!!! You haven’t raised a child in 30 years!

Have you noticed how easily we get triggered when our parents disagree with one of our parenting decisions?

That old, familiar longing for approval creeps in and the next thing you know, we’re teenagers — stomping our feet and slamming doors. How dare they suggest they know how we should run our lives — or care for our child!

For me, this was the last frontier of adulthood: Learning to avoid taking it personally when my mother expressed an opinion about how I should raise my son.

As parents, we are constantly struggling to figure out what’s best for our kids. It can be wonderful to lean on our parents as sounding boards when we’re faced with difficult choices.

But when a parent criticizes our decision or delivers “that look” , their disapproval can seriously undermine our confidence.

Sometimes my response to mom’s questions was to get mad or defensive. Sometimes I pulled away. Eventually, I grew tired of feeling like a teenager around her.

When I took a step back, I could see that her concerns were fueled by love or worry — or sometimes a simple a lack of information.

It was time to stop seeking her approval and start trusting myself.

We don’t have to fall prey to hurt and anger when our parents question how we’re raising our children. Sure, we would like their validation and encouragement. (Grandparents, take note: your adult kids still long to hear that you think they’re doing great as parents!)

But we don’t have to crumble when they disagree.

Here are some things we can do instead to model the kind of healthy communication we would like to have with our parents:

• We can listen. (After all, they may have a point!)

I’d love for you to support my decision to change Sally’s school, but if you have something new to share, I’m happy to listen. Will you agree to accept my decision, even if you disagree?

• We can ask them to listen.

I’ve heard you out without interrupting. Would you be willing to do the same for me? I want us to understand each other better.

• We can acknowledge their point of view with love.

We’ve made our decision about soccer but I appreciate your concern and have not doubt that it comes from thinking we’re making a mistake.

• And we can recognize the anxiety that is often behind their questions.

I know you’re worried about Eddie’s trouble with math. He seems to be doing better but I’ll consider getting a tutor if things change.

Letting go of the need for my mother’s approval helped build my confidence from the inside out. It hasn’t been easy, by any means. But making the effort to treat her with respect and love when we’ve disagreed has helped me grow into a version of myself that feels truer, kinder, and more loving. So it has all been worth it.

For more on grandparenting, please join me for a free, three-day online series with guests including Byron Katie, Harville Hendrix, Elizabeth Lesser and many more.

https://susanstiffelman.com/grandparenting-summit-live-registration/