Lying down on my bed on a warm California late evening, the room is stark dark except a thin ribbon of light unfolding and crawling into the room and into my bed. Looking out of the window, I can see a patch of the navy blue midnight sky and hundreds of little, distant, silver stars. I am here alone, and this invites me to be absolutely silent — silent enough to have a conversation with my own hidden self and with the god who is residing inside of me. I have to be ever so quiet if I wish to hear him, for it seems he always talks in such a low voice. Sometimes, I can’t even hear him or make out what he is whispering in my ears. Probably at those times, I am not still or spacious enough to hear him, but don’t blame me. It is hard to be silent, for our lives have become so chaotic. At times, I wish I were born in the period of Jane Austen, in a rural area of England, for I get this craving for simplicity. It is somewhat like the craving for a clean, clear glass of water with no preservatives in it. For example, the other day, coming down the stairs to the kitchen, I was thinking of how I wanted God to embrace me and to really, really love me. It is funny how I have been thinking of its definitions lately — the word, “god” — and finally, I decided to Google “god.” After reading lengthily about Him, I was still kind of confused. I was always told of and then, myself, came to believe that God is the father of the whole universe with everything in it, everything underneath our feet, and everything above our heads — all the oceans, all the mountains, all the skies and all the stars, every river, every forest, all the planets, and everything in them — dead or alive. Just thinking about all these makes me dizzy and makes me feel so irrelevant and insignificant. The smallest amoeba and I, we are both trying to exist and to matter here on this earth.
But if you ask me, I would say “yes” to the word “god,” for I am the kind of person who needs to carry a security blanket with her at all times. A security blanket has been there forever, and even though it’s old and shabby and full of holes, you can rely and believe that it all belongs to you only. You can chew on it, clean your runny nose with it, crumple it, cover yourself and hide under it if you need to, and let it become your second skin.
Again, my question is: why and where is God hiding? After all, no one has even seen God, yet every one has a firm and clear opinion of Him. Every one talks about Him like He is their first cousin. They quote Him as though He has sent them an email this very morning or has called them in person or has sat in front of them over a cup of coffee to talk about who said what and who did what. Sometimes, when I hear someone describe Him in every little detail, when I see someone adore Him, doubt Him, thank or praise Him, it makes me think. If you ask me about the existence of God, I would say without any pause and hesitation, “Yes.” I have already made up my mind. I definitely need God.
Posted in Miscellaneous & Opinion |
Originally published at mahvashmossaed.com on June 22, 2014.