Straight Edge

I’m standing there with the razor, wondering if I could do it. Wondering why I would do it. What would be the reason?

It’s a safety razor, though, and I’m already halfway through shaving.

Maybe if I worked really hard, pressed down firmly, moved it back and forth with enough force, it would release the reins.

“Reins”? No, veins. I meant veins.

No, I’m not going to kill myself. I’ve never really wanted to. It’s just that sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Not just the dying part but everything leading up to that.

I’ve suffered from depression, and yes, with that came some suicidal ideation, but there was never any intention. No real desire. No determination. Just thoughts.

I don’t even know what it would take to get me there. I’m not sure anything could. Does that mean I’m too strong to do it, or not strong enough?

I’ve always been fairly straight-laced. I work in insurance. I wear khakis. No tattoos or piercings.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to toss all that away and be someone else. The kind of person who just doesn’t give a fuck.

I’ve often wondered that. When I was in high school, for a little while there, I thought about trying to be that kind of person. Hanging out with the “weird” kids. Dressing like them, talking like them.

It never worked out. Talking the talk isn’t enough, and you can’t simply be different. There has to be something driving you. Something that inherently makes you behave a certain way and see the world with a certain perspective.

Or can you? Is it as easy as flipping a switch in your mind? Would it really be as easy as simply killing off your old self and walking back out into the world as someone else?

I wonder what it would take to get me there. Maybe if I stopped shaving? I guess that would be a start.

Originally published at


Short creative writing.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store