Race and Bachelor Nation
How White Fragility Worked Against Kupah James
If you’re anything like me, you’re still thinking about what the hell happened at the end of this Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette. In case you missed it, the gist: Kupah (one of three black contestants) grows concerned he isn’t doing well at the game, wonders if this has to do with his being a token minority “filling a quota” on the show, awkwardly inquires about this with Kaitlyn (the white Bachelorette), and then absolutely loses his shit when she swiftly asks him to leave.
The end of the cliffhanger episode depicts an irate Kupah standing in front of The Mansion, steadily unravelling, yelling at that creepily silent producer with the unenviable job of grilling the fuck out of the heartbroken as both their star and booze-buzz fade in the back of the limo.
“Your process might work for some people, like Jared and Cupcake,” Kupah yells, “but not for me.” (And yes, it is the best when he shouts “Cupcake” so very seriously.)
Kupah feels, it seems, betrayed, in spite of his having acted like an asshole.
While Chris and Kaitlyn gloss right on over it in their blog posts, reporter Amanda Michelle Steiner addresses Kupah’s actual concern — that he not be kept on as a token minority — and characterizes it as “not invalid,” but also accuses him of “making it weird.” Entertainment Weekly writer Samantha Highfill acknowledges that his concern is “…fair. However, Kupah goes about relaying that thought to Kaitlyn in all the wrong ways.” In both recaps, Kupah is characterized as the villain, unable to accept Kaitlyn’s firm “No.”
And of course I agree. He totally crossed a boundary when he refused to leave, and his lobbying to stay was weird and aggressive.
Nevertheless, while his exoneration is clearly impossible, Kupah did kind of blow my mind. Because for about nine seconds on Monday night, race was overtly discussed inside The Mansion.
Though Bachelor Nation has been thoroughly thrashed for its lack of racial diversity, this was the first time in my experience — and I admit I’ve missed a few seasons (shame) — that race was discussed on the show.
Kupah couldn’t quite get the words out to Kaitlyn, stumbling, “There are some unfortunate things I need to consider,” and, “I don’t want to be here because I look good on the roster of men that you still keep around.”
Judging from the look of mounting horror on her face, Kaitlyn seemed to get where he was coming from. And man oh man, she didn’t like it.
I get why Kaitlyn would be very genuinely affronted were anyone to accuse her of even the most gentle racism. (Rapping-with-Chris-Soules-abomination notwithstanding.)
But her reaction made me think of Robin DiAngelo’s concept of white fragility, which I’ve found helpful lately. DiAngelo defines white fragility as “a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include the outward display of emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt, and behaviors such as argumentation, silence, and leaving the stress-inducing situation.”
We could view Kupah’s raising of the topic of tokenism as brave and vulnerable. Kaitlyn could have sat with her discomfort for a second and tried to think it through. She could have reassured him that he was not a token. She might even have expressed understanding of his concern given the outcome of all the rest of the seasons to date and all of popular culture ever. But she didn’t. She freaked out and got mad.
When the other guys this week got vulnerable and weird about their daughters and deceased moms, she was right there for them, offering her comfort and thanking them for their openness and lauding it with roses. In fact, “opening up about your demons” is a vital rite of passage for any contestant should they have the faintest hope of flying to Saint Lucia or wherever and laying their probably-not-future-spouse upon the thousands of jacaranda petals strewn about the Fantasy Suite.
Kupah’s demons, though, are not acceptable to Kaitlyn, or the show. They’re even daunting and scary and challenging to white viewers like me who just want to watch this ridiculous pap in peace and not have to unpack the impact of institutionalized anti-black racism on a mindless Monday evening. So we make our move. We silence Kupah, we pretend he was the villain all along, and perhaps we don’t fully acknowledge what he was brave enough to say.
As another Monday evening approaches, and with it the “Brokeback Bachelor” episode, I look forward to giving all this thinking a rest — after all, heterosexual male fragility doesn’t exist. What could possibly go wrong?
But before that shit storm erupts, I wanted to spare one last thought for Kupah — even as he screams at the producers in the driveway — before he’s driven roseless into the night.
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