Star Trek (2009) Review

If I was the Captain they’d all be ejected into the cold vacuum of space for insubordination.

I like Star Trek. Well, I like The Next Generation. TNG from here on in. I liked the holodeck episodes the most. Where Data would be Sherlock Holmes and Geordie the Vid Kid would be Watson. Then, surprise, there’d be a malfunction on the holodeck and the characters would become real. Again.

What I didn’t like about TNG was the sort of inside jokey back-slapping that happens on the bridge. Where everyone just seems to be quietly amused by Picard doing certain Picard things in his Picard way. As if he was a slightly confused uncle at a wedding.

If I was the Captain they’d all be ejected into the cold vacuum of space for insubordination. It would be worth the court martial to see Riker’s stupid bearded grin implode on itself. A smug bomb, if you will.

So, there’s a new film helmed by JJ Abrams, Reviver of Franchises. The plot involves some sort of alternate timeline. There’s a rogue Romulan (Roguelan?) who’s exacting future revenge on people from the past for something their future selves did in a different timeline.

There’s two Spocks, one Kirk and Tim from Spaced spending more of the goodwill he’s built up with me. The Cornetto Trilogy is easily the best film series named after an ice cream that I’ve ever seen. So far.

It’s a somewhat enjoyable sci-fi romp. But I’m not sure it’s a particularly good Star Trek film. What I liked about TNG, aside from the holodeck episodes, was that space exploration was a noble endeavour. It represented what humanity could achieve. There was no privatisation of space travel. The Enterprise wasn’t staffed by selfie taking astronauts writing books and covering Bowie.

I’d rather have a film based around the TNG characters, played by the TNG cast. Which will never happen. Riker’s beard’s demand for top billing and script approval ensures this.

So the crew overcome some personal issues, a frankly ridiculous romantic relationship is revealed and crew members constantly leave the bridge and give command to someone else

After disaster is averted Kirk is promoted to Captain and takes command of the Enterprise. As he arrives on the bridge, wearing a different coloured sweater, everyone cracks a smug, knowing grin. Probably planning what they’ll spend their sequel pay cheques on.