Dealbreaker!
Swiping is undoubtedly the most fun part of dating apps. You get to judge people, and you get a fun serotonin bump every time you match! If you’re anything like me, you have some kind of metric that you’ve created (whether consciously or unconsciously) to guide how you swipe — particularly when it comes to certain things that you simply cannot abide. I’m going to go through some major dealbreakers, because I have about 80 and I think they’re all essential.
Short dudes: I’m tall. This dealbreaker goes beyond aesthetics and is rooted in FEAR. You know how you’re not supposed to sleep with your newborn child in bed with you in case you roll over and crush it in your sleep? That’s what would I suspect would happen if I dated a short guy. Listen, it’s better for everyone if my dates are at least tall enough that I’m not a physical danger to them.
Defensive tall dudes: “I’m 6'3… BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT MATTERS TO ALL OF YOU.” Oh man. Who hurt you, buddy? Are so many women after you exclusively for your amazing height that you have to fend their no-good, very bad, terrible, super-shallow advances off from the jump? I would guess NO. I get it — answering questions about height is boring. Put it in the bio, that’s fine. But guys shouldn’t pretend that they’re suffering under the weight of all the agonizing height-based questioning they undergo.
Black dress shirts: Life is not an a capella performance or a junior prom. Black dress shirts, particularly with colored ties, are not a good look.
Anchorman: Don’t get me wrong. Of COURSE I’m a fan of ‘Anchorman.’ That’s why, in middle school, I ‘liked’ it on Facebook. The dealbreaker is when the ONLY thing I have in common (friends, likes, etc.) with a possible match is the film ‘Anchorman.’ It’s a movie that, when we have nothing else in common, indicates fratty man-boys. No hate for Will Ferrell — this is simply Tinder science. (Well, ‘science.’ It’s sure as hell not peer-reviewed.)
Holding a dead animal: This isn’t so much a problem in New York City, but elsewhere? It gets so bad that I honestly wonder if there’s not some Tucker Max fuckboy guidebook telling guys that a picture of them holding something you just killed activates a ‘provider hormone’ in ladies. To be clear: it does not. It’s 2017. Go to the Duane Reade and buy me a box of Annie’s White Shells and Cheddar mac & cheese. That’s being a provider.
Shirtlessness: This is an obvious one, but I’ve seen people with various philosophies on the classic shirtless pic. My thought process is: 1) is the setting of the picture somewhere it’s normal to not wear a shirt AND 2) is the picture taken by someone else? If the answer to both is yes, then… whatever. Fine. He’s confident and I can’t hate it. If the answer to either is no, then chances are that this is a guy who talks to his abs. Is he hot? Probably. Is he embarrassing? DEFINITELY.
No bio: This isn’t necessarily a total dealbreaker for me, but all of my favorite people are hyper-communicative, big talker Aaron Sorkin-style weirdoes. Anyone who doesn’t at least sort of think that their sense of humor is better than their face is someone I don’t get. If he can’t write even ONE sentence about himself, I don’t have big hopes for communication in general. However, like I said, I’m not always great with this one if the guy is cute enough. It’s Tinder, not a convent.
Photos that are clearly edited for use on dating apps (other peoples’ faces scribbled out, etc.): He spends too much time thinking about Tinder. I write a blog about Tinder, and I still think he spends too much time thinking about Tinder.
References to money, weed or dick size: Tacky, tacky, tacky. (I sound like my mom.) Still, it’s like — he just couldn’t wait for me to find out that he’s a douche? He had to make it clear right up front? Thanks, I guess?
Only one picture: He’s a catfish AND he’s bad at catfishing.
But because ThursDating is about quantity, not quality, all bets are off and I’m just swiping like a madwoman. I wonder if I can find that leopard man again…
