First Impressions: You Never Get A Second Chance

Happy Valentine’s Day! Now that my break is over, we’re back at it, just in time to celebrate TRUE LOVE! With a brand-new entry on my online dating blog!!! Sure, why not?!

First impressions are hard, no doubt about it — especially online, where the difference between the right first message and the wrong one could quite literally be the difference between marrying someone (looool AS IF THOUGH) or a swift unmatch. Below: some of the best and the worst. But… mostly the worst.

Yes, I forgot to edit out his name. But honestly, fuck you, TOM.

Threesome: Yo, there is a reason people who are looking to have a threesome tend to have a joint account, usually replete with pictures of the couple in question getting snuggly and some coy bio about ‘having some fun together.’ It’s so that people like me can avoid them. You have called me here under major false pretenses, boy. (Also, “hey hey”? What’s up, Fat Albert?)

I don’t think he knows how push pops work.

Explict: I think this is probably the most traditional form of ‘bad first impression,’ though dependent on your reasons for being on a dating app, it might be welcome. I think the issue is that this assumes a lot about someone’s comfort level in getting a sexy-ass message (or just a sexy ass message). Bro, what’s wrong with a classic “What are you looking for?”

Yellow AND pink tulips? You shouldn’t have! …and you didn’t.

Gif/emoji: Frankly, this is just kinda weak. Using a gif is the app equivalent of going up to someone at a bar and doing an impression as a pick-up line. It’s not you, so it comes off as being pretty impersonal and if you pick the wrong thing or person to reference, it could completely fall flat. And an emoji is just effortless… but, like, bad effortless. I-don’t-give-a-shit effortless. Like your mama told you: use your words.

And what do I want? I want to no longer be having this conversation!

Multi-message: Ok, so THIS ONE IS SORT OF ON ME. I did, in fact, respond to an earlier message asking what I was up to. I’ll own up to it! Then, however, he didn’t respond for a few hours, and when he did, this happened — message after message, culminating in one of the less-sexy phrases I’ve ever heard.

I DO have an amazing name.

Comment about bio: Possibly the only normal way to start a conversation. ‘Hey’ is painfully generic, and unless it’s a holiday or a major weather event (it’s a low bar), all there is left to talk about is something in the pictures/bio/mutual likes/mutual friends. Now that ‘mutual friends’ has expanded to include every person on the face of the earth, that one is a little dodgier, but still. First connections work.