Fighting

Each of us has many battles that we need to fight, some might be more difficult than the other

Got this wood bar from Route 66 — Williams, Arizona

In the past 9 months, I thought about giving up every night I feel the pain, every time I look at myself in the mirror, every meals I cannot eat. Can I avoid and just give up all of these suffers? Death is just so near and it’s always the easiest choice that any cancer patient can make. There isn’t anymore pain when I die, there isn’t anymore rash when I stop the medication, there will no longer craving for foods or places to visit.

But I chose to live, and I chose living in happiness. Because that day will come, whether we want it or ready for it or not. In fact, I felt that I was always ready to leave. Nine months ago, my doctor asked me, “Do you have a bucket list?” — my answer was no. There isn’t another thing I want to do, another person I want to see — I felt that I was the happiest person despite the crazy difficult battle I am about to fight.

Two weeks ago, I walked into my doctor office and discuss with him about a new clinical trial that suitable for me. He immediately feels the hesitant that I have, and asked “So, what’s new in your life?”

I asked him, “What’s the possibility for me to get a 6 weeks break from the medication? I really want to start the egg freezing process!”

And the answer is still the same. Despite all the progress that I’ve already made, he still expects me to be in some kinds of therapy for the rest of my life and it would be impossible for me to carry my own baby. It’s not new information, but I still felt my heart pounding heavily. Since when, 6-weeks-time has became so luxury and expensive?

It’s definitely not about having a baby, it’s about the possibility and the hope for future. Maybe, when people are happy, we all just keep wanting more.

I called up a friend to share with him the convo with my doctor. My friend, who is in a very different fights from mine — he lives and devotes his time to make this world a better place with his knowledge and talent. Somehow, he managed to cheer me up just from his silly face expressions and funny jokes. And like that, together we pass another day, another fight!

We’re not always capable nor ready for the fights ahead of us. And a fight could be any forms, whether it’s a painful medical procedure, a difficult business negotiation, a steep mountain trail, an innovative technology proposal, or just being honest to our own feelings. However, life begins at the end of our comfort zones!

-Los Angeles, July 18th, 2017-

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