Matt Gaetz is taking Black Girl Magic too literally

When Black Twitter laughs to keep from crying

Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Jan 7 · 4 min read
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Photo credit: Aziz Acharki/Unsplash

Per usual, Black Twitter is here with the jokes after major catastrophes in U.S. history. While I’ve been cackling about plenty (this, this, this and this being my favorites of the bunch), I’ve also been just as adamant regarding why no one black is surprised by the Capitol Breach. Then here comes House Rep. Matt Gaetz to say something that is throwing me off.

Guys, I think he’s taking this “black girl magic” thing a wee bit too seriously.

First off, how did Gaetz manage to get his hands on the only facial recognition company that can tell this made-up Antifa group from MAGA?

Second, I was under the impression that Antifa was supposed to be mainly black? So how do we get to be black — but somehow look like this guy?

Third, if anti-police brutality supporters (assuming we’re talking about the light-skinned ones or white people in places like Portland) could “masquerade as Trump supporters” and do all of this stuff, we just — wouldn’t. We would use our magical powers to talk back to police, curse out our racist bosses and then demand a raise, add at least four more zeros to the last stimulus check (to cover the 40 acres and a mule) and make us all “the manager” — so every time one is asked for, we can smile and go, “I am not only the manager, I’m also the owner.”

But hanging out at the Capitol Building to just sit in Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s chair is, well, you and MAGAs’ idea of fun, not ours. We’ve already been to the White House grounds. We liked it better when Usher, J. Cole and Beyonce popped in. If we’re going to climb a wall, it would be to see Kendrick Lamar perform on “Independence Day,” not to walk around with Confederate flags and try to tie up people from Congress.

Minus Maxine Waters, the Squad and Cori Bush, we don’t really like y’all enough to want to hang out. We may want to watch another basketball game with Cory Booker beating up on Desus and Mero, but that’s where it ends. Social isolation has been boring, but we’ve found ways to entertain ourselves, primarily by making fun of people like you, Gaetz.

Finally, let’s talk about you being “sure glad that at least for one day [your] Democrat colleagues aren’t calling to defund the police.” And let’s act like we don’t see MAGA protesters taking selfies with the police that Republicans gave a standing ovation for. Then let’s act like we don’t know this version of the police.

We’re gonna need you to pick a side. Is Antifa supposed to be the cop or the robber? We don’t have time to take selfies with police and go through Nancy Pelosi’s mail while also trying to stop Congress from voting for who we wanted to make it to the White House. In case you missed it, we kinda like President-Elect Joe Biden and Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris — and Georgia Senate winners Reverend Raphael Warnock and Joe Ossoff, too.

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See full exit poll results on NBC News

We know Republicans do that strange thing where you protest against racists and then become the Racist-In-Chief’s Fan Club President, but we don’t have the hair texture to be Lindsey Graham or Ted Cruz. Or, the punching bag as a face.

So, nope, we stayed home and watched this clown show unravel, tickled and talking about your crew. It wasn’t us this time — or ever. You can be embarrassed watching this news all by yourself. Get your people in order. And give them an open-book test on electoral college votes, too. Thank you and have a terrible day!

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Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s work on our funny bones.

Shamontiel L. Vaughn

Written by

Check out her five Medium publications: Doggone World, Homegrown, I Do See Color, Tickled and We Need to Talk. Visit Shamontiel.com to read about her.

Tickled

Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s focus on our funny bones together.

Shamontiel L. Vaughn

Written by

Check out her five Medium publications: Doggone World, Homegrown, I Do See Color, Tickled and We Need to Talk. Visit Shamontiel.com to read about her.

Tickled

Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s focus on our funny bones together.

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