To woo me, he gifted me a pocket knife
The virtual dating gifts that I do not understand
Online dating sites have been my home away from home for the past month. In mid-August, I’d joined 17 dating sites and remembered why I used to love watching MTV’s “Catfish.” After writing more than a handful of “Perfect Dating” posts (with seven more pending publication), I’m buried and snooping around at least 30. After a while, they’re all a bit monotonous — but with occasionally interesting profiles. However, I lucked up on the most amazing one of them all recently — Single Parents Meet. Voluntarily childless and without a shred of motherly instincts, I did not expect this to be my favorite dating site. But it is.
Is it for the men? No, but there are some attractive ones on the site. Is it for the prices? No, but they’re reasonable. Is it for the relentless way they forced me to be “invisible” until I add a photograph? No, but as a former OkCupid moderator, I respect their digital gangsta for policing creepers like me. Single Parents Meet is my favorite site because of one thing though: tokens for virtual gifts. Sure, you can give other users (uncreative) gifts like bouquets of roses, single roses, necklaces and teddy bears. Or, maybe you can show you’re hardcore at your partner’s Receiving Gifts Love Language by gifting him or her with a watch or golf clubs. But whatevs, who cares about those gifts?
I don’t want to meet the users who gift people with the same kinds of gifts I’ve seen all of my life. The two users I want to know more about are the ones who are strange enough to buy the last two token gifts — video game controllers (30 tokens) or a pocket knife (15 tokens). You’ve got to be top-notch King of Romance Darius Lovehall to proudly buy these gifts for someone. Skip the John Coltrane and Duke Ellington’s “In a Sentimental Mood” music; go straight for the video games and weapons to get to second base!
In all fairness, a small part of me understands the game controller. If someone is conversing with a hardcore gamer (which could be a perk for a child who needs someone to play against), I get it. I’m not sure how far along that’ll get your date, but by all means, compare your go-to player.
It’s the pocket knife that really makes me scratch my head. What next-level Marvin Gaye romancer are you to think, “If I just give her a barlow knife, nah, that’s not going to be enough to tell her how I feel. But if I add this can opener with scissors and a screwdriver, her clothes will just fall off. I guarantee it.”
Is it for the woman who works nights? Is it for the camper in your life? Is it for the drinker who is tired of banging bottle tops against counter edges? Is it for the canoe enthusiast? And when in real life has anyone’s significant other gifted someone with a pocket knife for an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, Christmas or even birthdays? Is this the gift that I’ve been messing up on giving someone all of my life? Is this the reason I’m a “Ms” instead of a “Mrs”?
I have plenty of the latter gift— thanks to my flea-market-loving brother who used to randomly buy me lipsticks, pens, combs and anything else he could find that had a knife hidden inside. But as a romantic gesture? Either I’ve done romance all wrong or someone in the marketing department of Single Parents Meet couldn’t think of any manly gifts that equate with roses.
Still though, I want to meet these pocket knife gifters. They either know their love interests need weapons when the two meet, or they’re going to put them to work at a moment’s notice. Skip the fine wine and dining. Grab some logs and a fold-out tent, and let’s get this first date going!
Before anyone decides to date these folks though, at least make sure they supply the liquor you’ll use that bottle opener attachment for. I’m fairly convinced you’re going to need it.
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