When your reflection becomes the Fashion Police
Mirror conversation: The social isolation outfit
I saw her when I walked past a mirror, sizing me up. If you look at me funny, I’ll give you the same energy. So I stood there, daring her to say something. Was she all bark and no bite? Even worse. She was the Fashion Police.
Fashion Police Shamontiel (FPS): What in the entire fawk are you wearing? Maroon Toastmasters shirt, pink and white capris, and hot pink footies. You look like Denise Huxtable.
Me: First of all, Lisa Bonet married Jason Momoa, so please and thank you. Second of all, Toastmasters is a very reputable public speaking organization. They would be happy to know I am still representing them from home.
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FPS: Not in that outfit they wouldn’t. Did you even comb your hair today?
Me: Of course. It’s just in the same ponytail it’s been in since March 13.
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FPS: Oh my gawd, this outfit is something else. You know you used to get double takes when you walked down the street? I wasn’t going to say anything, but earlier today when you walked outside to the recycle bin, that guy next door looked away from you.
Me: Was that supposed to hurt my feelings? Fun fact: It didn’t. You saw me walking like Sideways Spiderman, trying to make sure he stayed a six-foot distance away from me.
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FPS: You know your mother and grandmother told you to make sure your undergarments always match, right?
Me: Yes, I’m aware. I know the motto: “Make sure your underwear always matches, so the ambulance drivers know you’re classy.”
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FPS: I’m not even going to ask if they do.
Me: I wouldn’t advise it.
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FPS: So you just really don’t give a damn, huh? Just wearing the first thing on a hanger?
Me: For your information, I work from home. As long as I bathe, my clothes are clean and my shirt looks decent on a virtual call, who cares?
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FPS: Are you going to at least wear a better outfit to the bank? Y’know, for the cute banker who kept smiling at you. You have an appointment with him.
Me: Of course! But if he makes any move to walk away from that glass shield, I’m outta there.
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FPS: Well, there goes my advice to get his number.
Me: I have it already. It’s called “the bank customer service number.”
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FPS: That’s not what I m — —
Me: I know what you meant! Can I go now?
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FPS: All right, fine. I can’t believe you had the audacity to put on perfume with that on.
Me: I always wear perfume. Thank you very much!
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FPS: But what’s the point?
Me: What’s the point of getting dressed up to sit on my couch?
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FPS: Touche. Same time tomorrow?
Me: Yup! Tomorrow, I’ll wear my favorite shirt: “Nice people are my favorite people.”
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FPS: It’d be nice if you dress like you have somewhere to go tomorrow, too.
Me: I do. Right back to my couch. Maybe the desk. Reflect ya later!
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