When your reflection becomes the Fashion Police

Mirror conversation: The social isolation outfit

Photo credit: Christian Mackie/Unsplash

I saw her when I walked past a mirror, sizing me up. If you look at me funny, I’ll give you the same energy. So I stood there, daring her to say something. Was she all bark and no bite? Even worse. She was the Fashion Police.

Fashion Police Shamontiel (FPS): What in the entire fawk are you wearing? Maroon Toastmasters shirt, pink and white capris, and hot pink footies. You look like Denise Huxtable.

Me: First of all, Lisa Bonet married Jason Momoa, so please and thank you. Second of all, Toastmasters is a very reputable public speaking organization. They would be happy to know I am still representing them from home.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: Not in that outfit they wouldn’t. Did you even comb your hair today?

Me: Of course. It’s just in the same ponytail it’s been in since March 13.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: Oh my gawd, this outfit is something else. You know you used to get double takes when you walked down the street? I wasn’t going to say anything, but earlier today when you walked outside to the recycle bin, that guy next door looked away from you.

Me: Was that supposed to hurt my feelings? Fun fact: It didn’t. You saw me walking like Sideways Spiderman, trying to make sure he stayed a six-foot distance away from me.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: You know your mother and grandmother told you to make sure your undergarments always match, right?

Me: Yes, I’m aware. I know the motto: “Make sure your underwear always matches, so the ambulance drivers know you’re classy.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: I’m not even going to ask if they do.

Me: I wouldn’t advise it.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: So you just really don’t give a damn, huh? Just wearing the first thing on a hanger?

Me: For your information, I work from home. As long as I bathe, my clothes are clean and my shirt looks decent on a virtual call, who cares?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: Are you going to at least wear a better outfit to the bank? Y’know, for the cute banker who kept smiling at you. You have an appointment with him.

Me: Of course! But if he makes any move to walk away from that glass shield, I’m outta there.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: Well, there goes my advice to get his number.

Me: I have it already. It’s called “the bank customer service number.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: That’s not what I m — —

Me: I know what you meant! Can I go now?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: All right, fine. I can’t believe you had the audacity to put on perfume with that on.

Me: I always wear perfume. Thank you very much!

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: But what’s the point?

Me: What’s the point of getting dressed up to sit on my couch?

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: Touche. Same time tomorrow?

Me: Yup! Tomorrow, I’ll wear my favorite shirt: “Nice people are my favorite people.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

FPS: It’d be nice if you dress like you have somewhere to go tomorrow, too.

Me: I do. Right back to my couch. Maybe the desk. Reflect ya later!

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Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s work on our funny bones.

Shamontiel L. Vaughn

Written by

Check out her six Medium pubs: BlackTechLogy, Doggone World, Homegrown, I Do See Color, Tickled and We Need to Talk. Visit Shamontiel.com to read about her.

Tickled

Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s focus on our funny bones together.

Shamontiel L. Vaughn

Written by

Check out her six Medium pubs: BlackTechLogy, Doggone World, Homegrown, I Do See Color, Tickled and We Need to Talk. Visit Shamontiel.com to read about her.

Tickled

Tickled

Laughing burns calories. Let’s focus on our funny bones together.

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