A Lexicon For The Internet Of Hype
I originally wrote a version of this a long time ago as a companion to another article (which was itself recycled here as Five Mind-Blowing Facts About The Internet Of Hype), then forgot to post it. Sadly, it’s still relevant, so here it is, dredged up from the depths of the net….
Destroys: Makes no impression on its target at all. E.g. “[Insert name of minor celebrity] destroys Trump in five epic tweets!”
Mind-blowing: Absolutely fascinating if you’re the sort of person who finds staring at the sun interesting, or if you think marijuana makes you smarter (or, indeed, if marijuana actually does make you smarter).
Epic: trivial, short-lived, simple-minded, goes nowhere very quickly, self-important. Alternatively: boringly over-extended, verbose, meandering, pointless, goes on for ever… self-important.
This will leave you speechless: You’ll be comatose after reading this.
Heart-breaking: Like “mind-blowing”, but for emotions.
So this just happened: This didn’t happen.
Breathtaking: (e.g. “This video about a breathtaking new razor will change the way you live!!”) How did we ever survive without this amazingly important and ground-breaking product / lifestyle accessory / insight / life hack / idea?!!
This changes everything: This changes nothing.
Shuts down: (e.g. “Caitlyn Jenner Shuts Down Piers Morgan Over A Comment About Her Transition”). See “Destroys”.
Startling: (e.g. “Startling new ways to save money!!”) Blindingly obvious.
Mainstream Media is ignoring this!: It’s on the home page of the New York Times.
Genius: (e.g. “This genius trick will leave you speechless!!”) You’re a moron? Cool! Have we got something for you!!
Game-changer: See “This changes everything”, but also occasionally a reminder that whatever the game is, you’re not a part of it, and never will be.
Taken down: Talked-up. As in “Trump taken down in epic series of tweets by [insert name of mildly-progressive celebrity here]!!”. See also “Destroys” and “Shuts down”.
This will surprise you: Only if you’re gullible.
This is huge: We need you to hype this for us.
Jaw-dropping: Mildly-interesting if you’re into that sort of thing.
Blown away: Think “flatulence”.
Bring down: (e.g. “Trump book author Michael Wolff says his revelations will bring down US President”). To leave standing, completely unscathed and untouched. Minor variant on taken down.
You may not know this: Everyone knows this. Alternatively: “we’re about to tell you something that isn’t true”.
Life-changer: If your life is changed by this, you have absolutely no life.
Disruptive: Think: five-year-old boy (or thirty-year-old tech bro).
Insane: Will amaze the naive or simple-minded.
Eviscerates: (e.g. “Watch [insert name of minor celebrity] eviscerate Trump’s foreign policy with a single sentence!!”). Leaves the target totally untouched and intact; see also “Destroys” and “Shuts down”.
Why is no one talking about this?: Why are we all talking about this?
Awesome: Quite good (in its own way).
Everyone’s talking about this: (e.g. “See the bacon and goat cheese paleo diet everyone’s talking about!!”) No one has heard of this, let alone talks about it, but we need to get some social media buzz to sell this product now or we lose a major advertiser. See also “This is huge”.
Haters: (e.g. “Don’t listen to them — haters gonna hate!!”) People you disagree with. Also “Hate on” (“They just like to hate on Taylor!!”): to disagree with, to mildly dislike, or (unforgivably) to take no notice of.
Breaking: (e.g. “Breaking!! Trump Impeachment Imminent!!”) way past its use-by date, but our readers are gullible, so let’s run it up the flagpole as clickbait….
Wipes the floor with: (e.g. “John Oliver’s latest video totally wipes the floor with Trump’s position on torture!!”). See “Destroys”, “Shuts down”, “Eviscerates”, etc. etc., ad nauseam.
You’ll never guess what happens next: You know exactly what happens next (nothing much).
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Needless to say, every example here was taken from my Facebook feed over the last year or two. And there’s a drinking game or two lurking in the background here, involving these words and phrases and Facebook feeds….
