Five Things To Do In San Francisco After 1 a.m. That Aren’t Strip Clubs or Bars

Spend a night in North Beach and you’ll see them. Four guys, collared shirts and blue jeans with their hair neatly combed to the side. They’re laughing, stumbling and generally at least one of them is smoking a cigarette. Ah, yes. They just spent more than $100 at Roaring 20's, and now they’re headed down the block to Centerfolds for the all nude show. Because…what else is there to do in San Francisco after 1 a.m. that isn’t a strip club or bar? Why not go have a drink and have fake boobs thrown in your face? Finally, I have an answer to this age old question.

  1. ) Eat at Sam’s Pizza and Burgers: You’re already on Broadway anyway, probably leaving a strip club at this point. Don’t eat a slice of pizza on Columbus Ave., walk half-a-block up to Sam’s and slide into one of the open counter top seats. Say hello — because if you don’t, you’re like totally rude, man — and order a double bacon cheeseburger, fries and a beer. Once your burger arrives on its paper plate, gaze upon its perfection. Appreciate the fact that there is no brioche bun, fried egg, or avocado needed to make it taste like the pinnacle of man protein that it is. Oh, and don’t be the asshole that pays with a credit card. Seriously, use the fucking $1s in your wallet, please.

2.) Smoke a blunt on top of Twin Peaks: I may not partake in the consumption of the devil’s lettuce, at least not often whatsoever, but who doesn’t want to get a little trippy with one of the best urban views in the world? Now, technically, Twin Peaks is supposed to close at sunset. But San Francisco is the hub of American innovation, so I wouldn’t expect that to stop any of you. Views from the top are breathtaking any hour of the day, but there’s something about being above the lights and seeing the illuminated outline of the Bay Area that humbles you. And hey, from what I’ve heard, there are few things that a freshly packed Swisher doesn’t make better.

3.) Make out (naked) on Baker Beach: Another San Francisco attraction that reportedly closes at sunset, Baker Beach is a favorite for those who want a waterfront experience that’s a little less windy than Ocean Beach or that famous shot of the Golden Gate Bridge from the backside. Few know, however, that half of the beach is actually clothing optional. For those that are a bit shy without the exterior layer but want to be a bit rebellious, hike on down with your evening partner after dark, strip off your clothes and start prancing around. Once you’ve reached the far side, close to the bridge, commence the epic make out session. And please, for your own comfort, don’t get carried away with some idea about beach sex. It sucks, seriously. Nothing is worse than finding sand…never mind, you get the idea casanova.

4.) Backseat Boogey At The Headlands: Remember your high school days? You know, when you got your yoga on in the backseat of the car with your boo-thang? Of course, you do. Well, how about reliving those days with a better view than you probably had in some awkwardly crowded parking lot? Sure, technically the Marin Headlands aren’t in San Francisco, but everyone that lives Marin City-or-closer-to-The-City basically says they’re from San Francisco anyways. Actually, pretty much everyone not from Oakland says they’re from The City. I’ll count it. The Headlands are ridiculously gorgeous, and other than someone trying to imitate The Zodiac, you’re probably going to enjoy your carnal pleasures in peace.

5.) Drunk Self-Reflection On The Grace Cathedral Steps: Religious or not, don’t characters in movies and TV shows always seem to find their way to a church, in the middle of the night no less, for some quality guidance? I mean, shit, even Hank Moody did — let’s just forget about the nun-blowjob, k? — and Hank is pretty much the man, so, you can do it too. Only here, the beauty is on the steps. Sit back, wrap yourself up in your favorite San Francisco summer coat, and commence the self-loathing.

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