Habits

Perhaps I tried to form too many habits at once. Recipe for disaster it seems. They say it takes 21 days of consistent action to form a habit. I can’t say I ever made it to day 7.

I was trying to turn my life around, to behave differently. I needed those habits, the truth I imagine is that I didn’t have the luxury of taking them on one by one. Definitely didn’t have the luxury, because everyday that I didn’t exhibit my desired behavior, it cost me something emotionally. It costs those that actually care about me as well. It’s a high price and we’re broke on just about everything.

I’m tired of failing at something where there’s no room for failure. I’m tired of disappointing that same caring person over and over and over again. While I’ve said it before that it’s a process, that it takes time, and we shouldn’t expect things to change overnight, the point has been reached where all patience is all but gone because it’s been too long already and we’re only human. In a sense we’re right back to where we started a year ago, being that I’m still the same person. I haven’t grown. All I’ve done is drag down those that care and pushed away everyone that deluded themselves that they did.

I'd like to think that a pattern if behavior is a collection of actions, and such actions are made up if but not wholly by habits. So in order to become a new person all my habits have to change. I feel like I’m running out of time. They say there’s no deadline. Oh but there is. There really is. I created them when I told myself that I want to be this, I will go back when such.

These things happen when you find something you don’t want to lose. They make me ask myself…

Can I become strong enough to protect what is dear to me? Or will it all slip through my fingers.