Sacrificial
i want it to hurt.
to lay my pain at the feet of this false god.
pain is penance. righteous reluctance. see?
i too despise these fatted calves.
bring me the carving knife,
that well worn trap-door lever.
push its serrated blade
into my sagging breast,
weightlessness waiting in the abyss.
bring me the rasp,
drag its gaping maw
across my gut.
slough away the subcutaneous,
shame soft curves back into sharp edges.
bring me the pills
and i’ll crush them into dust.
speed alchemic axes toward
drooping chins and bulging thighs.
the part of my back that touched itself
when i twisted around to hand you my keys.
bring me the butcher block and i
will slap myself upon it in excruciating slabs.
render my excess in the flame, watch it
droop into waxy splotches on the floor.
laid bare and bloodied, but
shimmering in my silver skin.
behind the words…
this was a hard one. i’m not proud of it, but it’s real. it’s where i’m at. desperate. hopeless. crushed under a thousand unrealistic expectations of my own creation. maybe you’ve been here too?
age is catching up with me. gravity is catching up with me. i don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. pictures? forget about it. i feel like i’ve been body snatched. swapped with someone wearing a costume of me that’s three sizes too big. maybe you’ve been here too?
i want out but the zipper is broken. i can’t be content. can’t settle this restlessness. desperate. hopeless. knowing better and doing it anyway. i just need something to give. to know that it’s not too late. i don’t love this version of myself. i’m at the crossroads and i can hear the devil whistling.
maybe you’ve been here too?
Thanks for reading. Please clap, follow or just enjoy another poem.
🐝 beth
