What’s in a year?

Fin will be 1 tomorrow.

This will mark the first 12-month period during my 31 years on earth where I have consciously paid attention to each day, week, month that passes, because it marks such a crucially fleeting time in my child’s life.

Never again will I be able to relive this one year. Never again will Fin be 1 hour old, 1 day old, or 6 months old. Obviously this rule is true for time in general (we can’t go back)…but there is something extremely ephemeral about childhood, so I find myself gripping to each monthly milestone with white knuckles…

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was just 1-year older. I couldn’t wait to be a teenager, and then a young adult, and then 30.

So now that I am 31 and have a 1-year-old…time can freeze right here for a moment. Let me drink in a few more moments with my baby.

I can’t think of a better way to savor the past year, than with a list highlighting some of the best moments /lessons learned in motherhood thus far:

1. 41+ weeks pregnant, curled up next to Matt on the hospital bed while we listened to the sound of Fin’s heartbeat on the monitor with great anticipation, awaiting his debut.
2. Many naps and midnight sleep sessions with Fin sleeping on my chest, breathing and cooing away. (This by far takes the “slice of heaven” cake, and probably what I miss the most now that he is pushing 28 lbs and needs his space in his crib. Sigh)
3. Learning to breastfeed. A love/hate relationship. Man it was hard, but I am so glad I stuck it out. I am too scared to give it up now for fear that he will have no need for me, (i am somewhat serious, that boy sure loves his dad, and momma is just a milk vessel).
4. Figuring out that I can actually function on little sleep. I used to think that I required 8 hours of sleep to be of any use to the world. I now know that 5–6 hours of broken sleep plus a solid diet and a little coffee can do the trick. (I am still awaiting the day when I get 8 hours of unbroken sleep)
5. Fin is no doubt a physically advanced child (academics are still iffy). While he did roll, crawl, and walk early…I am most proud of the fact that he loves to give kisses and hugs to his friends and family. As Fin grows, it’s more important to me that he is a loving, compassionate and gracious child rather than a great athlete or whiz-kid (I do realize he can be all three of these).
6. During our annual Big Sur trip, Fin would fall asleep every time we took him on a walk by the River, it was a guaranteed “nap trap.” Lesson for me, to never forget the healing power of mother nature. We need to get our feet into the earth and it’s many bodies of water as much as we can.
7. I’ll never forget the day my Grandma Muriel died. Fin was at the hospital with us. We were all in tears…he was the quietest most well-behaved little baby. And when it came time to tell stories about Grandma, Fin broke out of his quiet, observant state to share some baby-babble memories too. Even at 5 mos old, Fin reminded me of the importance to listen, observe and read the room.
8. Fin is happy enough with our attention and a piece of cardboard or a grocery bag (not plastic of course). Toys and things don’t matter that much to him. Isn’t this true of all interpersonal communication? I personally prefer quality time with a friend over a gift. (but I guess that’s just my love language).
9. Fin’s diet is so clean that simply some blueberries or a bite of a Paleo pumpkin muffin can send him into head-bobbing, humming ecstasy. This fact alone challenges me to clean up my act and get back to the good-food basics.
10. When Fin first started walking, I was acutely aware that this kid has no concept of danger. Fast-forward to last Monday, I was reminded of this point as I watched Fin tumble down the stairwell (a horrifying moment), and he STILL thinks he can just take 1-stride steps down stairs. Gotta love the guy for trying.
11. Fin is strong. He physically fights me at bed-time, and I find it quite challenging to wrangle his ham-hock thighs into a diaper. But I like this about him because my Mom said I was the same way. So, while I know how hard it can be to raise a “strong-willed” kid, I do know a bit of what to expect. And I am glad he has a little bit of me in him.
12. Fin loves his dad. Matt has exceeded my expectations as a father. Trust me, he is way better than I thought he would be. I knew he would be a great dad to a “kid” but wasn’t sure how the whole baby thing would go. I never worry when I leave Fin with Matt for the day. He has the routine down pat. By far, the best memories this past year are the ones when all three of us are together, and I get to watch Matt make Fin laugh uncontrollably. #Swoon!