Villains gonna vill (The Bachelorette, S11 E03)

So after the first two episodes, I thought this season was going to be on the sleepier side, but BOY WAS I WRONG. Not only did episode 3 contain a boxing group date where someone gets sent to the hospital and a stand-up comedy group date with AMY SCHUMER, but we also were introduced to not one, but TWO great characters. Honestly, I’d recommend just skipping the first 2 episodes and watching the 3rd one two times. I enjoyed it that much.

I’m so excited for my play-by-play breakdown of Kupah’s conversation with Kaitlyn that I’m just going to get the stats out of the way first.

Stats

Group date 1 stats:
Average age: 28
Kisses: 2
Tattoos/bro: 0.875

One-on-One: Clint
Kisses: 3

Group date 2 stats:
Average age: 30.7
Kisses: 2
Tattoos/bro: 2.1

Number of best dates EVER: 2

NEW STAT

Shiny dress ratio: 4:8
The producers seem to really dress Kaitlyn up like it’s NYE. From the first 3 episodes, half of the dressier outfits have been shiny/sparkly. I’m not counting the informal talks she does with Chris Harrison or the shots of her waking up, but the outfits she wears to dates and the rose ceremonies. They’re sparkling at a .500 clip, which seems high, especially considering that Ted Williams was the last person to bat over .400 in 1941. Not sure if they can maintain it for the rest of the season.

“I’ve got three Clint categories of kissing. There’s underwater Clint. There’s above water Clint. And then there’s ROOFTOP Clint. And that’s next level.” -Kaitlyn

Also, Kaitlyn is REALLY rolling on the kiss counter. She jumps from 2 to TEN (if you count Clint with 3). She has Jared and Ben Z on the first group date, Clint three times on the one-one (underwater, above-water, and rooftop). JJ and Joe get some action on the second group date, and then Ian closes out the episode before the rose ceremony. With 18 guys left at the end of the episode, she’s already made out with EIGHT of them. That’s almost HALF (technically 44%) of them. That’s like Steph Curry 3-ball % we’re talking about (as of the end of the WCF, he’s been shooting at a 43.7%). That’s historic folks, for Kaitlyn, I mean.

Jared, concussion pity kiss.
Ben Z, group date rose kiss.
Clint, underwater kiss.
Clint, above-water kiss
Clint, rooftop kiss
JJ, overconfident kiss
Joe, “well I’ll be” kiss
Ian, I have such an amazing backstory kiss

“I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt”

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!

The first group date of the season, and episode, is a boxing date. Right off the bat, any male who’s ever even imagined knocking someone out knows that size means everything. Bigger dudes can take more punishment, and more obviously, can dish out more hurt.

So whichever producer was able to convince Kaitlyn that this would be a fantastic way to kick off the season, since she could see her bachelors shirtless, deserves the largest raise in the world. Not only do they get to use ALL of the “fighting for love” puns known to man, but they’re also guaranteed to have someone sent to the hospital. Even 3rd grade Timmy could have told you it was a terrible idea for the men to have a boxing tournament.

Let’s go over the contestants and their weights:
Daniel — 195 lbs
Ben Z — 225 lbs
Corey — 175 lbs
Justin — 211 lbs
Ben H — 196 lbs
Jared — 170 lbs
Tanner — 195 lbs
Kupah — 205lbs

So for those who aren’t quite as familiar with combative sports, boxing and MMA and everything else is split into weight classes. Why you ask? BECAUSE IT’S NEVER FAIR WHEN A BIGGER PERSON FIGHTS A SMALLER PERSON.

If you’re wondering how the fights ended up, Ben Z beats Daniel, Corey beats Justin, Jared upsets Ben H and Kupah rolls over Tanner. In the semifinals, Jared has another surprising upset of Kupah to set-up a final showdown with Ben Z.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT BACHELOR NATION CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD (and Kaitlyn’s heart)
KO’D. DOWN GOES JARED, DOWN GOES JARED!

So let me break this down for you: while Jared was able to stun Kupah with a lucky punch to advance to the finals, he’s giving up FIFTY FIVE POUNS to Ben Z. That is not an insignificant amount. You can’t even pack that extra weight into a checked bag on a domestic flight without getting charged an overage. And now imagine that suitcase getting thrown at your face. Only bad things can happen. Somebody gets knocked out and sent to the hospital with what I presume is a concussion. Anybody want to guess who? THE LITTLE GUY, OF COURSE. (But with chest hair like that, maybe he deserves to be sent to the hospital.)

The group date afterwards is relatively uneventful. Jared makes an brief appearance on his way back from the hospital, mostly to use up the rest of the “fighting for love puns” which didn’t make it into the boxing segment. He’s able to get a pity kiss out of Katelyn, setting up the mother of all groan-worthy quotes:

“It was worth every punch I took, every black eye. My head may hurt, but my heart never felt better.” -Jared

“I’ve never had a first kiss underwater”

So the first one-on-one date of the season goes to Clint, and they have a photoshoot with a conceptual underwater photographer.

I normally don’t like to talk about my day job, but I guess this is a good of time as any. I’m a photo editor at a newspaper in NYC, and I spend most of my day either looking at photos, when I’m not dreaming about Steph Curry or Shawn B (everyday Gosling). Sure I might not be hip on all of the more artsy and feature-y photography, but the idea of a “conceptual underwater photographer” is something I’ve never ever heard of before. I usually watch the show later simultaneously with a friend who is a freelancer in Kansas City, and when they showed the photographer, we both were like, “what the hell?!”

Anyways, you can check out her work here: http://www.giselelubsen.com/. Some of it is mildly interesting, but the show made it seem like it was this hot new trend sweeping the nation. Let me set the record straight, it’s not.

I’m just going to leave you with a selection of images from the photoshoot. Try not to be overwhelmed by overwhelming stench of awkwardness.

“This is going to be an absolute massacre”

So the final group date of the episode is a stand-up comedy date, with guest star Amy Schumer. And let’s be honest, I would have been completely fine if this segment was solely a Schumer-cam and we just experience the whole date through what Amy saw. But alas, we can’t get a multiscreen experience like NBC’s Sunday Night football, so we had to settle for terribly awkward prep times and even more terrible jokes.

What do you open with?
Uh, hi. I need to make sure I said hi.

Tony, who I am convinced is solely on the show for the producers’ amusement, shows us that healers aren’t hilarious, and does as cringe-worthy of a routine you can imagine. He basically does a personal confessional type of bit, but completely devoid of all humor. Paired up with JJ’s narration, it feels even worse. Anyways, I’ll spare you the pain, and just leave you with some highlights from Amy’s jokes.

I am the biggest bachelor fan. It’s like you sit at home, and judge other people. And you’re like, ‘I’m fine’.
What’s your vibe going to be? Like ‘I’m not going to kiss everybody.’? -Amy
I’ve already kissed everybody. -Kaitlyn
JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma, humility, and sense of humor. But other than that, you should hire him as the next bachelor. Maybe when he sees himself on the show, he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.
I hope it comforts you to know that you’re not smarter than anybody here. — Amy to JJ

“This isn’t church camp. I didn’t come here to make guy friends”

Power move or dick move?

So I think I found out what JJ is short for: Jackass-Jackass. If you didn’t have a good feeling about JJ before tonight’s episode, the producers made sure to eliminate the rest of any good-will you had for him by the end.

“I want you to understand that I’m here to fight for you. I’m not here to win friends. I probably lost about 18, but guess what. This isn’t for the boys. Your husband wouldn’t be sitting back.” -JJ

So JJ ends up getting the rose from the group date, which for the uninformed, gives him assurance that we won’t get eliminated at the end of the episode. I’d compare it to JR Smith’s 28 point game during game 1 of the Eastern conference finals of the NBA. JR Smith is already what Bill Simmons calls an “irrational confidence guy”: someone who will always be willing to shoot the ball and thinks it will always go in, regardless of what sort of shooting night he’s having. But once they see a few balls go in, they feel like it’s impossible to miss, and they just keep shooting, even when the entire world knows they should probably stop at some point and start passing the ball.

“Fellas, I know I’m the most hated man in the house.
I would apologize, but I’m not sorry.” -JJ

With his newly acquired rose, JJ’s ego grows too large for the rest of the mansion, and just pulls dick move after dick move. Not only does he swoop in to steal Kaitlyn away first, after all of the guys had agreed to let the 3 men who hadn’t had any time with her go first, but he then proceeds to run around yelling #sorryimnotsorry any chance he gets. It’d be the equivalent of not only JR Smith taking all the shots, but looking off Lebron from even advancing the ball up the court, while also pausing to do the chalk throw routine before the start of the second half. Insufferable at the minimum, most definitely unbearable.

Tony on JJ: It’s almost like he’s never even been with the pretty girl before.
I GOT TO EAT IT ALL.

Another bone I have to pick with JJ is that absolutely none of the things that come out of his mouth are original. Like he’s just regurgitating terrible movie quotes and pithy sayings. At one point, he says to Tony, “ You’re like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle”. And then he goes on to re-purpose that quote, to keep pumping up his own ego. If you still don’t hate him yet, you’re about to:

“More than anything right now, I’m feeling smugness, wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of ‘I just talked to the girl and you didn’t’.” -JJ

“I don’t think it’s bad”

I honestly don’t think I can contain the excitement I have for this next segment. It’s basically going to be the equivalent of the announcers breaking down a play frame by frame to analyze what’s going on. I think body language is a great indicator of what one is thinking, so pay attention to that too. And if you didn’t notice already, I’ve been on a screenshot binge, so hold tight to those scroll wheels.

Set-up

So the set-up to the big situation is Kupah’s calling out of Kaitlyn. He hasn’t really had a good connection with her yet, so during his conversation with her, he brings that up. He thinks she just might be keeping him around to keep the minority quota up, and lets her know:

I don’t want to be here because I look good on a roster of men that you still keep around. -Kupah

Unfortunately, he’s overanalyzing things, and is definitely overreacting. Kaitlyn has to juggle 19 guys at the moment in her head, and if she can even remember your name, that’s a gold star. Kupah didn’t do himself any favors by not talking to her at the boxing group date, but she’s probably willing to overlook that just because he hasn’t done anything yet to tank his chances. Until this moment:

Wait, you felt a connection until I called you out for being potentially racist?
I guess this is kind of hard. To be honest, I felt a connection, until right now. -Kaitlyn
Pausing to take a drink? [WHISTLE] Stalling penalty.

Kupah then proceeds to put himself into a terribly awkward corner. Let’s break it down:

Listen, this is not going to help my case at all,

Well, that’s never a great way to start off a statement.

but I want to be here because I’m already committed to the whole process of being here and opening myself up.

Oh, you’ve opened yourself up alright. Not sure if you’ve heard of TMI, but this is a textbook case. You should probably stop while you’re ahead.

And this is the first real time I’ve had to talk to you.

Well, that’s your own fault. You had a chance during the group date, but you passed it up to have a good time punching the bags and hanging with Laila. Now would be a good time to apologize. Whatever you do, don’t comment on her looks.

And obviously you are beautiful and you’re a very attractive woman,

Uh oh. I warned you.

EXHALE
your eyes are awesome.

Not helping yourself…

Like you’re a pretty girl, and your personality, that’s awesome.

Oh man, you tried to use the personality trick to make-up for things? No girl with half a brain is going to be deceived by that. It’s too late bro. Get out while there’s still a slim chance.

You’re witty and sarcastic. That’s dope.

No girl wants to be called ‘dope’. Chicken and waffles is dope. Run the Jewels is dope. The new Apple Watch is dope. Your buddy getting a promotion is dope. Your potential future wife is NOT dope.

I want to be here. I want to build on this situation.

Wait, this situation right here? The one where you’ve dug yourself into a grave, lowered yourself into it, and started to cover the casket with dirt?

I can’t imagine that our story wouldn’t be just as cool if you were like, ‘When I first met him it was a little weird but once we hit third gear it was like so amazing.’ So hopefully I’m around long enough for that.

BRO. YOU PULLED THE “OUR STORY” MOVE? RIP.

Kaitlyn asks for some time to think about it, and Kupah asks her to pound. What?!?

That’s cool, can we pound?

Kaitlyn takes some time to deliberate in front of the “thinking fireplace” where all of the pensive scenes seem to be shot. It must be the ambience…

thinking ledge in front of the thinking fireplace

The Exit

Which leads us up to the oh-so-fantastic conversation:

bad news bears

First off, Kaitlyn takes him out front. That is NEVER a good sign. Bad things only happen at the front door. It’s like when your parents text you to ask you to call them. It’s going to be a bad call, so put on your big boy and big girl pants.

Kaitlyn: I’m sorry, I’m going to have to let you go. I’m sorry.
Kupah: Wow. I didn’t expect that, but, OK. That’s pretty f’ed up.

Using profanity in an early conversation with your hopeful soulmate is not a good sign. A harbinger of doom. Also, anytime you say, “but… OK” you sound like an idiot.

Kaitlyn: PARDON? Well, yeah, it is. When you go and talk to the guys…
Kupah: That’s not really fair.

Are you in third grade BRO? Complaining about how things aren’t fair? Did Tommy get the green crayon when you wanted it? Did your get picked last during kickball? Sorry to break it to you, but life’s not fair, especially when you call people out and make them feel terrible.

Kaitlyn: That’s just how I’m feeling. It’s not really fair to keep you after I’ve felt like I’ve completely lost my connection with you.
[PAUSE]
[WHISTLE] STALLING PENALTY
Kupah: I don’t want to go home. I think you’re hot. I mean you’re sexy. I think you’re pretty.

Oh brother. Haven’t I already told you to stop talking about her looks? And you don’t even sound like a third grader any more. You sound like a kindergartener who doesn’t want to leave the toy section of Walmart. You basically are throwing a temper tantrum, and you’re a grown man.

Kaitlyn: There’s more to me than that.
Kupah: I know, but I like all that other stuff. You said you like movie quotes, yes or no?

All that other stuff. Sigh.

Kaitlyn: Yes!
Kupah: Sweatpants…

It’s too late. You can’t say she looks good in sweatpants. It won’t work, no matter how true it is and how sincere you say it. Like you’re just going to look bad. Oh wait…

Kaitlyn: It’s week one and we’re already in this position. This is bad!

LISTEN TO HER. SHE SPEAKS TRUTH. THIS. IS. BAD.

Kupah: I don’t think it’s bad.
Kaitlyn: NO. I’M TELLING YOU IT’S BAD.

SHE JUST TOLD YOU IT’S BAD. THE EARTH IS ROUND. VACCINES ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF AUTISM. WE LANDED ON THE MOON. 911 WAS NOT AN INSIDE JOB.

Kupah: I mean, I hear you, but I don’t think it’s bad. I don’t think it’s bad.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T THINK IT’S BAD, DOESN’T CHANGE THINGS. YOU SOUND LIKE A FLAT EARTHER, CLIMATE CHANGE DENYER, 911 TRUTHER AND VACCINE FEARMONGER.

The look.

[EXHALE]

Kupah: I think people need to figure things out. I’d rather have this conversation with you now than have it in 2 months.
Kaitlyn: I understand that, but I do understand figuring things out, but do you think it’d be fair if I kept you around when I’m feeling this way? Or do you think it’s fair that I don’t put you through a rose ceremony and that I’m saying that you can go now?

She’s doing you a favor bro. Just acccept her generosity and make as much of a graceful exit as you can.

[Kupah blank stare. Caitlin gives him a pity hug and then walks inside.]

Kupah: Good luck.

Can’t let this alcohol go to waste

Aftermath

Kupah then proceeds to go bonkers during his exit interview.

I’M NOT ABOUT THIS THING. JUST ASK ME THE QUESTIONS AND LET ME GO HOME. PLEASE.
WHAT?! I’M UPSET I DIDN’T GET A ROSE. I’M UPSET SHE SENT ME HOME. WHATEVER MAN.

Kaitlyn then exits her interview to go outside to settle what appears to be a dicey situation. Does Kupah punch a producer? Does Kaitlyn slap Kupah? What happens?!?!

DON’T MISS, WHEN THE DRAMA CONTINUES, NEXT WEEK, ON THE BACHELORETTE…

Quotes

I mean, she’s kind of a big deal [Laila Ali], if you know anything about anything. -Kupah

Ben Z, please don’t hit me, or I’m going to just explode. -Jared

I’ve never been in a fight in my life, and all of a sudden my first fight is on national television? Like what the hell?! -Tanner

I’m going to win Kaitlyn’s heart, and the belt, just to cover my bases, you know? -Daniel

If I get my face messed up, Kaitlyn might send me home. -Tanner

Daniel fights like he’s wearing a tu-tu. What’s inside those boxing gloves? Teacups? -Daniel

I’m concerned that some of my one-on-one time might be in the emergency room later. -Kaitlyn

There’s definitely a chance Jared could beat me, but I won’t let it happen. My football buddies would never let me live that one down. -Ben Z

Let’s get one thing straight. If it says take her breath away, and you scuba dive; that’s drowning, man. -Joshua

Heat up our inner selves, and be in the moment -Gisele

The boxing date is a complete joke. The foundation that I want to establish my forever on does not start with me beating your ass. It’s always a competition, but it should never lead to fisticuffs. You should never have to fight for attention. Love is self-less. Love is given. It’s not something that you fight for. -Tony the Healers

That was different for me, because I’ve never had a first kiss underwater. -Kaitlyn

You took my breath away today, instead of me taking away yours. -Clint

Watching Tony go through an entire date is nightmare fuel. -JJ

That’s not the only thing I can do with my tongue. 😉 -Joshua

I couldn’t hear him because my own brain was shutting down. It was just like a human instinct to protect my awkward sensor. -JJ

I’m not here for her, I’m here for us. So, my heart means just as much to me as her love does to me. -Tony the Healer

So I will open myself up fully to Kaitlyn, but still pay attention to the signs the universe presents. -Tony the Healer

I’m CONFIDENT that I’m the right person for Kaitlyn. We had a great kiss. I tried to drag that out as long as possible. I would put 50 grand that I’m going to get a rose tonight. -JJ

She said she feels that her husband is here. And I just wanted to remind her what husband material is. -JJ

But wait, there’s more!

Brady asks Britt if she will be his girl. [insert guitar riff here]

And she obviously says yes. As of right now, it looks like Britt has made out like a bandit. Not only does she have a boyfriend, but she got to skip all of the drama. Kind of like how Iman Shumpert and JR Smith got to skip out on the monstrosity of the season that the Knicks closed out with and are now headed to the NBA Finals. The question remains, how long can this cinderella story last, both for the 2 Knicks expats, Britt and Brady, and for us the viewer?