Authentic Relating
Changing the way we approach relationships
I recently discovered ‘Authentic Relating’ through an accidental conversation I had between Steve (the dating Consultant) and his friend Alton who consults with organizations. He played a game with me called ‘Sentence stemming’ which is essentially a conversation prompt:
“Being here with you I feel ______________”
He went on to express his feelings in the moment and he asked me if I’d be willing to share how I felt as well. We shared our nervousness but excitement in geeking out over our interest in studying human behaviour and dynamics.
In short amount of time, we established trust and connection in the span of 5 minutes.
It certainly helped me be more comfortable and share my ideas and about my opinions. In fact, we had an amazing conversation. At the end of our chat, I asked him where he had learned sentence stemming from, and he said, “I borrowed it from Authentic Relating.”
What is Authentic Relating?
Essentially it’s a method of connecting with other people on a deeper level by providing moments for people to express their feelings but also being open enough to see people as they are, in the moment. I really love the definition provided by Jonathan Haber
To be authentic in relationship requires allowing ourselves to be seen, and promises deeper relationships, deeper connection, more closeness…
As far as I can tell, it’s a spiritual practice by a relatively small community. They practice authentic relating through group exercises called ‘circling’ or through facilitated games.
Goals of Authentic Relating
- Develop skills to understand people on a deeper level
- Allow each team member to see each other as a fellow human beings, practice active listening and empathy
- Facilitate engaging and interactive partner and group exercises to help people appreciate who they connect with
- Create a safe space for participants to discover more about ourselves and how they relate to others, while exploring potential relational blind spots
— Definitions from Jeffrey Platts
Games & exercises to foster connection
With a little bit of digging, I was able to find some samples of these activities and was absolutely amazed at how well crafted they were. If you are a facilitator, you’d probably geek out over this. If you are looking for effective ice-breakers to build trust and connection with a group of people, check out this handbook!
I would consider making sure you adapt the exercises and calibrate the level of intimacy you want to create in the group, some exercises go really deep.
So what?
Having experienced a brief moment with it, I was amazed at how effective it was in breaking down barriers and establishing connection with a complete stranger. I think it’s because authentic relating creates an environment that:
a) Opens up a safe channel to be vulnerable and expressive
b) Invites people to participate with you, establishing reciprocity
c) Fosters trust and connection, even between strangers
We can create moments to connect
I can’t help but think that if we borrowed concepts from Authentic Relating in our day to day interactions, we would create more opportunities for that deeper conversations. In fact, I challenge you to try them out!
Initiating them is as simple as inviting someone to play along. Then read the prompt and fill in the blank then ask the other person to do the same.
Here are a few sentence stems to try:
- Something most people don’t know about me is…
- My first impression of you was…
- You can count on me for …
- A time I was disappointed in love is… the worst part about it was…
- A time I was elated in love is…
- When I was a child, I was really…
- A time in my life when I felt most challenged was…
- An embarrassing experience I had as a child was…The most embarrassing part about it was…
- My earliest memory is… The way I felt in that moment was…
I’m going to be practicing this more in my day to day and I hope you do as well 😁
