Tinder Lovin’ Survey 1 Results!
I asked some questions and here’s what I heard
Why did I send this survey?
A few weeks ago, along with starting this blog, I sent out a general questionnaire just to see what people think about online dating today. The online dating landscape has evolved and its stigmatism has been fading away. But we’re still left with many of those frustrations. I’m here trying to figure out, if at all possible, I can solve some of these problems for you.
Who answered this survey?
I’m pretty amazed at how far my survey went around the world. While most of the responses were from North America, I’m excited that I had a few responses from Australia, Germany, Mexico, UK, Taiwan, and Spain!
What did people say?
First, I have to say THANK YOU all for taking some time to share your personal stories with me. Your answers helped me empathize with what you’re going through. But I also got some thoughtful, funny, and insightful answers and I thought it would be cool to share.
Q: Online dating is…
I pasted your answers into a word cloud generator. Unfortunately long sentences were cut off but it was still interesting to see the most frequent sentiments. It seems that while people believe it’s convenient and fun, it’s still mostly frustrating.
There a number of reasons for this and depending on who you are, you can experience more frustration than others. I’ve learned that online dating enforces algorithmic and cognitive biases (which I will write about soon!). So depending on your age, race, or even if you had a bad iPhone flash in your photo, you’re perpetually being unfairly judged in this process.
Q: Describe your best dating experience
“I can’t think of just one, but the best thing about online dating is that you can find people who you know are actually interested in dating. In real life you have to be on the lookout for a ring or you never know if someone you want to ask for a drink is seeing someone.”
“We walked and talked and smoked a doob and played with VR headsets. No expectations. It was perfect.”
“Met my current BF, loved the way it worked out. Especially with him being across the pond, like the idea of having access to more people with more things in common.”
“I messaged a guy on OKCupid who had a 92% compatibility rating with me. I was going out of town for two weeks the next day, so he invited me on a date right away. We’ve been dating for nine months.”
“Got along really well with the guy. Had most of the qualities I was looking for. I felt he could have been the one! Except, he didn’t want to settle down. We are still platonic friends to this day.”
Q: Describe your worst dating experience
“Met up with someone who only had 2 hours free; had some food and made light conversation, but she wasn’t super attentive or present in the moment, and kept worrying about her deadline. she left after the 2 hours, and went back to work; no followup after that.”
“Can I just describe the litany of men who wanted to leave rude comments about my body? As a plus-size woman, if you “out” yourself at all in your photographs, you are open to so many awkward situations. Men think you’ll have sex with them because you must be desperate because no “real guy” wants you. If you don’t talk to them, it’s insult time. ”
“All of them suck. None are better than others. But I’d say the worst stay online and never become real. When you’re talking to someone in online and never get to meet them in person. After you quit talking to that person you just feel gross, like you’ve wasted so much time and want it all back.”
Q: Why are you using online dating?
“Because meeting people in bars won’t allow me to find what I am looking for.”
“Actually, to observe myself. I like to see who I find attractive. first thing I notice is: can I tell who this girl is? Does she come through her pictures, or is it another duck lip photo. Next: is she physically attractive? and finally: would I actually enjoy a conversation with this lovely lady?”
“Originally because my friends did it for me, then because it honestly was the best way for me to meet people. After college meeting people outside of work is difficult me… and even though I constantly edged by coworkers to date other coworkers, I’d rather not”
“Because I feel it is the only option now; no one asks people out in cafes anymore, which is really a shame because chemistry is the most important piece.”
Q: If there was anything you could change about online dating, what would it be?
“I always thought it would be dope if there was a small sound clip option. like a 5 second clip of anything that they could record through the app. Like maybe they’d say “hiiiii”. I think mine would be a clip from nacho libre”
“The whole thing kind of dehumanizes dating. It’s like a menu of people and it means that people aren’t always sensitive to each other’s feelings and I think that it stops people from trying as hard in a relationship when things are tough. I don’t know how but I’d like to make it more human.”
“I was physically interested in most of the women I’ve seen on Tinder, but a huge proportion of them have one sentence or blank text profiles which made me wonder what their operational strategy was, or whether they were even active users. The lack of detail turns the activity of swiping into a more visually gratifying experience and kind of stymying when I’m in the mood to try seriously gauge compatibility. I wish I knew more about the users/potential dates.”
“It would be ideal, if there was more in person interactions and less back and forth messaging. Sometimes there is a lot of time spent just trying to plan that first meet. Depending on how much time you spend online or the number of individuals you talk to, your personal information along with pictures end up being in many hands. That is quite scary — unless you constantly change your number.”
Q: Would you recommend online dating to your friends? Why or why not?
“Absolutely but you have to know how to express yourself and you need to be able to have a conversation. A good profile pic alone will not get you past the first date.”
“Sure, online dating has something for everyone. I just think people’s expectations need to be realistic. It’s a good medium when you feel like “shopping”, but nothing beats a good date over drinks, laughing and flirting face-to-face. Even though I met my S.O. from Grindr, it wasn’t the platform that really helped us get together. We had one conversation on it (bonding over how annoying Grindr was, so exchanged numbers) and decided to meet up on a whim months later.”
“Yes, those who don’t do it think it’s scary. It’s not as scary as it seems. Ultimately you have control over how many matches, dates and follow up dates you go on.”
Q: How has online dating changed the way you think about relationships?
“Yes, you aren’t locked down to your region, job, and friendship circle to meet people. It is a bit liberating.”
“It makes me realize that it takes time to build a relationship, despite the promises of this idea that relationships can me made in an instant.”
“I think people are less committed to making something work. A lot of people have FOMO, or easy access to meet others if the relationship requires any amount of work.”
“It’s made me far more optimistic about our capacity to meet the right people at the right time. Previously, so much of this was up to chance. Now, we now have the power to make our own luck, to farm our own serendipity, and to take data-driven action in the pursuit of love and connection.”
Summary
I’d have to agree with that last quote there. I’m doing this because I think Online Dating has so much potential, if we’re able to solve for some of these frustrations expressed above. I’m trying to figure out how we can improve the quality of our matches, have meaningful interactions, or even help us figure out who we are and who we want to grow with.
What’s next?
Some of you have agreed to continue participating in surveys and even some dating experiments. I’m excited to announce that I have a few lined up!
Dating Experiment #1: Authenticity in Online Dating
Based on your answers, I was inspired to devise a small experiment called “Would you still date me?”. I’m curious if we were all a little bit more honest about who we were if this would improve matches. This way, you’d attract more of the people you’d vibe with but also detract people who are wishy-washy about you, making the decision making process easier.
The experiment is simple. It will take only 15-minutes to update your profile and a quick phone call/chat on Facebook if you have questions. After a couple days, email me and let me know whether you are attracting different matches, have interesting interactions, or if nothing changed. If you’re willing to take a chance, be adventurous, or feel like, “f*ck it, I have nothing to lose”, then click here.
Speed Dating Events in NYC: Launching this month!
For those of you that are in New York City, I will be kicking off and hosting monthly dating events, starting this month. I want to re-imagine Speed Dating. I think sometimes speed dating events feel like interviews but there are a lot of advantages because you can physically met people. If you’re interested in signing up or want to share with friends, go here.
Lastly, thank you for being awesome 🙌🏽
