Medical Cult: Initiation of a Medical Student

Secrets revealed.  

The medical student equipped with forehead piece of unknown function. Note: stethoscopes are not that thick. The “artist” (who is really just a med student) just does not know how to draw.

You know how people complain that there is not enough time in the day? Well, I do that. Which probably makes me a liar because complaining takes time that I theoretically don’t have.

Besides being a complainer, liar, and theory-ist (wow—obviously a terrible wordsmith), I am also a second year medical student. I thought I would share the growing pains of trying to fit into a sacred, tight-knit profession. The process is often a cult-like affair.

1. The white coat ceremony: there is a whole day devoted to just getting the sacred cloth called the White Coat. It tricks patients into thinking you know what you are talking about when, really, your knowledge about medicine only includes the appendicitis you had at age 10. You also receive your stethoscope. Which we all invariably put on the wrong way (yes, there is a right and wrong way to put in the ear buds).
2. The art of gelling: learning how to knock on the door, obtain hand sanitizer from the dispenser, introduce yourself, and shake the patient’s hand—all in one graceful sequence—takes at least a day of practice. This is equivalent to our profession’s opening incantation for any encounter.
3. Working with standardized patients: Yes, before they let us run wild, physicians make us practice our skills on actors. Me: “Um, er, excuse me sir, do you have sex with men, women, or both?”
4. The final white envelope: On the third Friday in March every year, fourth year medical students gather around a table neatly lined with white envelopes like a coven of witches to the cauldron. In each envelope is a single line that will seal the fate of a medical student’s future. It says where they will go for residency. The cult calls upon you to practice your learned skills in places all across the U.S. Sometimes students do not get an envelope and that is sad.

I wrote this instead of studying for my final. I hope that I still get an envelope one day.