How to Successfully Kill the Heroine:
Quickly and efficiently plotting the demise of an arch nemesis
Once upon a time there were four women who gathered for a weekly poker game: Maleficent, Cruella, Ursula, and the Evil Queen. Most poker nights, the conversation consisted of sharing spells, incantations, sewing tips, and recipes. However, on this particular night, the conversation had taken a more sinister turn . . .
Maleficent took a sip of purple drink and complained, “I tell you girls, I’m simply furious about this whole not-being-invited-to-the-christening thing. I am the most powerful in all the land! They dare snub me? Won’t do a’ tall.”
“Agreed, M. Their insolence cannot go unpunished,” Queen nodded, tossing a couple of poker chips into the pot, calling Ursula’s bet.
“But what is to be done?” Maleficent asked.
Cruella took a long satisfying drag off her cigarette before replying on an exhale, “You need a plan — a fool proof one.”
Ursula threw her cards facedown to signal she folded and said, “Well have you been on ItsBadtobeGood.com lately? A delightful series of blog entries by Jafar are being featured this month. Simply brilliant.”
“How’s his plan to do away with the Sultan going?” Queen asked, taking a sip of her Appletini.
“Last I heard a young man was giving him a bit of trouble. He seemed confident that it was nothing. Jafar described him as a street rat. Honey, another Bahama Mama?” Ursula held up her empty glass to the waitress.
Cruella pulled out her smartphone and brought up the website, “I was on that site just the other day. Look — there’s several blog entries called ‘How to Successfully Kill the Heroine’. Oh look! It’s Yzma!” she handed her phone to Queen.
Queen snorted her disgust and handed the phone to Maleficent.
“I heard she turned the Emperor into a LLama!” Maleficent threw her head back and laughed.
Queen rolled her eyes, done talking about Yzma — the fool. “What makes him an informed authority on offing Heroines?”
“I hear Jasmine is giving him trouble and he has become an expert on the subject.” Ursula took Cruella’s offered phone and began scrolling. “One of these posts might help get you out of your slump, M. This one is my favorite . . .”
- Entice
2. Offer a solution
3. Reveal the “catch”
4. Imprison the father
5. Thwart heroine’s quest
Queen pointed at a different one and asked, “What about this one, M?”
1. Be declared the fairest in the land
2. Order the huntsman to kill her
3. When that fails, turn into a hag
4. Offer a poisonous apple
5. Bury her
Maleficent squinted to get a better look, “ Yes . . . that is a good one, no doubt. But I like the one that directly follows.”
1. Show up uninvited
2. Perform a powerful curse
3. Lure the princess to a spinning wheel
4. Imprison the prince
5. Turn into a dragon and burn everyone
Cruella shook her two-toned head, “I wouldn’t do these tasks alone. At least consider hiring some henchman,” she suggested.
The dealer peeked out from the broad, brim of her black hat, “Might I suggest a newly released book by Shan-Yu?” She reached a green hand beneath her cloak and produced the suggested volume before continuing, “It’s a how-to book about how to do away with your arch nemesis. He gives detailed examples and explanations that critics have compared to detailed military tactics.”
Maleficent took the offered book and looked it over. There was a picture of the author on the back, “His appearance is appropriately ruthless.”
“He’s a Hun,” offered the dealer.
Ursula snatched the book from Maleficent to take a look, “I’m not sure how your tastes go, honey, but he is no hunk!”
Queen reached for the book and sneered, “She said Hun, you silly fish!” She then passed the book to Cruella.
Cruella didn’t even bother looking at it, “I’m telling you girls, hiring henchmen to do the dirty work for you is the best way to go,” she handed the book back to the dealer.
“Yes,” Maleficent said, “I simply do not have the time to read this extensive text. I’ll do Jafar’s option #3. Quick — easy — done.”
“Suit yourself,” the dealer said before disappearing into a vaporous puff of green smoke.
Maleficent turned to Queen who was jotting down the five steps of option #2, “I mean, truly, what could possibly go wrong?
Moral: The quickest way is not always the best way.
