A World Without My Father

TLMUN Herald’s Writing Competition Essay (2nd Place)

The incense burned quietly in the cold evening as its ashes crumbled and fell into the pot; the cold mountain breeze flowed through his hair. Victor lit himself a cigarette. More specifically, it was his father’s favourite cigarette — “Pall Mall Red”. He pushed the cigarette into the ashes firmly, making sure it stood upright, and placed his father’s favourite can of
beer next to it before leaving for home.

Victor listened to his favourite songs on the way back, which were his father’s favourite too. He sang along with confidence, knowing every lyric of every song in his playlist. He knew them because his father used to always sing these songs in the car, wherever they went. Victor used to hate these old-timey songs but as he got older, he grew into them and
appreciated its timeless melodies.

But as the sun shone its last bit of light, rain poured down on him and it became hard to hear the songs. Frustrated that he couldn’t enjoy his playlist anymore, he sighed as he turned off his music and drove in the unbearable silence. Despite his frustration, the gods didn’t listen as the rain kept getting heavier and heavier; his grip on the wheels got tighter and tighter. Lightning bolts spread out across the dark and cloudy sky. But fortunately, Victor was getting close to home.

“Maybe it is divine punishment.” he said to himself, “Maybe I deserve this.”

He reminisced about the days when he and his father would make trips back to their hometown. Victor would be sound asleep in the backseat no matter how bumpy the road got. He then recalled the pep talks and advice he would always give to him. Advice on how to live a fulfilling life, how to treat others, and funnily enough — how to get a girlfriend. He cringed
as it played in his mind but nonetheless, he treasured those memories.

Even though it hurt him.

“I wish I could turn back time.” he thought to himself. He couldn’t think about these memories without regret. A slow and painful heartache made him grip his steering wheel even tighter, his mind fogged by agonising memories, even though they should be delightful. Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he watched his past play in his head.

“I wish I could forget.”

The bends and turns of the road burned his teary eyes; the neighbourhood he could never forget. It was as if he never left this place despite it being years since he came back. As he made the last turn, he saw his father’s house near the end of the cul-de-sac. His knees weakened as his past encroached on him. The rusty front gate, the broken doorbell, the dirty
roof, he remembered it all. The house was in shambles with no one to restore its former glory. He stepped out into the rain, facing the gate.

“I wish I could-” his crying crippled his speech.

His knees eventually gave way and he collapsed onto the flooded ground. He clasped his hands together in prayer, begging and grovelling in vain. His tears blinding him and his breathing out of sync, he muttered his true thoughts:

“I wish I could see him again.”

He could never see his father’s smile again; never would he be able to hear his life advice. He punched the gravel knowing that that could never gain him more time with his father. Even the clouds served as a barrier to the heavens. In prayer, he begged one last time: “Let me see him again.”

“Let me die.”

Written by: Lee Li Xian.