Asian Parenting: Love or Abuse?
Disclaimer: This article is written based on the opinion of the author and does not in any way reflect the view of the organisation.
Further to this, the writer expresses that this article is merely an observation of how Asian parents often behave in their homes. The writer has no intention of offending anyone in any way. The writer respects all parents, Asian and non-Asian, for doing their best to raise their children, but there are a few things the writer wishes they would address and possibly change.
A few years ago, when I was younger, my mom used to send me to a daycare where I would often chat with the helpers since I was one of the older kids. One day we were just talking and one of the helpers, (who also happened to be the day-care owner’s maid) told me how the mother disciplines her two sons whenever they misbehave. I assumed caning a child was normal — at least according to our Asian standards — but what shocked me was when the helper revealed that the boys would get pinched till their skin turned blue-black if they farted and did not apologise. Yes, you read correctly, I said farted, and having to apologise for it. Many find this story amusing at first, but for that child who has personally experienced such maltreatment, I can only sympathise with them. The fact that this is regarded as normal for Asians is even more ludicrous than this mother pinching her kids until they bruise.
Let’s get two things straight before we go any farther. One, this contentious issue does not apply to all Asian parents, and two, when we say Asia, we mean all 48 countries, not just China.
It’s no news that Asians are far more traditional than people from other regions of the world. Being traditional and docile isn’t necessarily a bad thing; in fact, it’s exactly the contrary. In comparison to Westerners, Asians are naturally more well-behaved, obedient, and submissive and this may be due to their rigid and strict upbringing. Asian parents are famous for their authoritarian parenting styles. And it’s true; we’ve all seen the Asian parent stereotypes on social media, whether as memes or video skits, proving that Asian parenting may be trying to the children at times. So, is Asian parenting love or abuse?
Stereotypes and Pigeonholes
While Asian parents’ memes are breaking the internet with their bizarre parenting styles and becoming viral, there is still some truth in all posts — conclusive or hilarious — about how Asians parent their children. Career possibilities are one of the most frequent preconceptions. You either become a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, or you become a family shame. As a means of discipline, Asian parents hit their children. Asians are cheapskates. Asians are more conservative and traditional. Asians are good at maths. Asians are horrible drivers. The list goes on and on. Some even make a living out of blatantly exposing these stereotypes to the world, for example Russell Peters, Lily Singh, Ryan Higa and more. Even if these are simply cliches or pigeonholes, they aren’t far off from the mark. Asians are known for being both radical and orthodox since they value their beliefs and culture more than anything else.
Tiger Parenting
Tiger parenting, while derived from authoritarian parenting, is a different form of parenting. It emphasises the significance of academic success over all other factors. Until Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was published, there was no such thing as tiger parenting. The Yale professor, who has two girls, discusses how her parenting approach differs from that of other parents, and how her children are not permitted to watch television, play video games, have sleepovers, or receive grades below an A. Her girls’ good grades speak to the success of her parenting style. Many people were in favour of tiger parenting while others were against it, resulting in a huge backlash.
In the book, Chua tells her readers how she prioritises her girls’ scholastic and musical achievements over their happiness and self-esteem. She also stated that giving children limited control and using shame to push and reprimand them has resulted in them receiving good academic grades. Asian parents have been severe and emotionally unsupportive for generations, but it is only now that researchers are establishing that these approaches do not produce new prodigies.
Make It Make Sense
There are several things that Asian parents do that boggle the mind. For one, it is an odd approach for them to express affection differently. Why are there so stringent curfews and limitations on sleepovers, for example? Do they not realise that the more you limit a child, the more likely they are to rebel? As a child myself, I would never want to lie to my parents about anything. But, because of their narrow-mindedness and rigid rules, I’ve been compelled to lie about things that aren’t technically illegal, like meeting up with friends, having sleepovers, or buying things online. If I were to reveal the truth, I would be forbidden from any social gatherings with my friends.
Why are they so thrifty that they are borderline cheapskates? Money has always been and will continue to be, a touchy subject. Asian parents strictly limit their children’s spending and consider the majority of items to be superfluous, even if they are only a dollar. From a young age, it is important to instil the concepts of spending carefully and learning financial independence. However, as mentioned before, too many restrictions make the child resent the parent even more, so why go overboard?
Why is there such a strong attachment to Tupperware and utensils at home that no one is permitted to use or lose them? Asian mothers, in particular, have a strange fixation with their food containers, and as the phrase goes, ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’; hell hath no fury like an Asian mother who loses her Tupperware.
The list of things Asian parents do that make no sense doesn’t end here, but covering all those topics would take more than a day. Maybe if they merely spoke with us, these issues would make more sense. Using real words. And it’s not simply the use of cues or the use of silence. They cannot and should not expect children to understand everything without so much as a conversation with expression, words and sentiments.
The Offence
Children are frequently reminded of their faults, but what about their parents? Nobody is flawless, and they, too, are imperfect, for to err is human. Parents, particularly Asian parents, commit a long list of offences; it’s just not as practical as spilling milk on the floor or breaking a glass. The guilt trips are the most common and, by far, the most toxic form of manipulation. It’s the card they use to convince their children to do anything or to comply with their requests. Rather than talking and expressing their intentions straightforwardly, they influence their children by shaming them and making them feel bad for not doing what the parents want. As a result, the child may develop low self-esteem, be more susceptible to peer pressure, and be more prone to participate in unhealthy relationships as an adult.
The extensive list of offences continues with physical punishment. Again, it is rather frequent among Asian parents, as they have almost certainly experienced similar punishments as children. Disciplining a wayward child is a custom that has been passed down from generation to generation. Belts, spankings, hangers, canes, and even slippers are among the numerous inventive methods adopted by these parents to ‘teach their children a lesson.’ Science has demonstrated that physical punishment is ineffective in disciplining children, as they tend to pick up on these behaviours from their parents and become more violent and aggressive.
The nature of Asian parenting relies heavily on under-praising, over-criticising and over-punishing under-rewarding. Again, while not all are subject to this offence, most of them practice it often in their households. Parents under-praising and over-criticising a child can especially affect the child’s self-esteem. When a child does good, Asian parents aren’t very generous with lavishing praise. However, when a child makes one small mistake, they suddenly become generous with the harsh critics and judgements. The over-punishing and under-rewarding nature are similar to the one before; the only difference is that this is more objective and practical. When a child makes a mistake (understandably so, since it is in their nature), parents are quick to be harsh on them and punish them by either hitting them or verbally abusing them. Parents, on the other hand, would expect their children to do something good, something award-worthy, without so much as an “I’m proud of you, son” or a present.
When it comes to mental health, most Asian parents pay little attention, which is ironic, considering most mental health issues their children face are caused by their parenting practices. Mental health awareness is, if anything, much greater now than it was in the past. More people are speaking out about mental health issues and how to deal with them, but Asian parents don’t see the need for it even if their children are suffering from the most severe forms of withdrawal or are depressed. For Asian parents, making comparisons is a sport. They enjoy comparing their children to others and pointing out their shortcomings. Asian parents believe that comparing their child to another motivates them to work harder so that they can be on par with, if not better than, the other child. Without realising it, they are subtly teaching their children toxic values that, if not managed, could backfire in the future.
Their Defence
Ask any Asian parent why they parent the way they do, or, in layman’s terms, ‘why they are built like that,’ and they’ll tell you it’s all for your benefit. Because they care, Asian parents believe it is their sole duty and responsibility to point out their children’s shortcomings, harsh or not. They think that if their children are aware of their flaws, they will be encouraged to fix them and improve. There is no denying every parent wants only the best for their children. However, this does not imply that a mistake should be punished in such a heinous way that the child develops resentment and contempt for their parents. What good is it for them to parent if it only makes the child feel horrible about themselves and unworthy of love? Even though their parents love them dearly, the child grows up feeling neglected and unloved.
Let the cries be heard
Not all children are bad. They are human beings who are trying to be accepted and loved by their parents. They love their parents in the same way as their parents love them. However, severe criticism and judgments, while necessary for their development, can occasionally push them further away. Then, parents would lament the fact that their children never come to see them when they’re older, despite the fact that it was partly or entirely them who drove their children away with their frigid demeanour.
Something I read on Reddit a while back piqued my interest. It was about parenting, and one person mentioned a notion that Western parents believe they owe their children everything because their children never wanted to be born, while Asian parents believe their children owe them everything because they delivered them. Perhaps this is why Asian parents have a more authoritative parenting style. So, it may be a mix of love and abuse. Or it could be outright abuse or something else entirely.
That is for you to decide, dear parent.
Written by: Balvin Dhaliwal. Edited by: Miza Alisya
