Bonding
How I Came to Know and Live for My Kids
By Chet as part of To All Dads, a compilation of open letters from real men spotlighting #RealStrength stories and advice for modern fatherhood
Dear New Dads,
This is an open letter to any expecting fathers who might be a little anxious about the decision they made to have a child. If you are anything like I was, somewhat unsure you made the right choice, please know you did the right thing. In almost every situation, any hesitancy you may have about your decision to have a child, whatever the concern, will prove over time to be unfounded.
Bonding is probably the one thing you really need to get done.
If you told me twelve years ago that I would become one of those parents who live for the love of their children, I would have said, “not me.” I would have told you I’m not ready and then provided you a list of reasons why I’m not ready that would be longer than my arm, the other arm, and probably both legs. Fortunately my wife was supportive, and that made it easier for me to embrace the title of dad. Once I was on board, the very best part was that it did not take too long to learn that if I built it, they would come.
Last night, as I was putting my eight-year-old, almost five foot tall, nearly one hundred pound boy to bed, he gave me a bear hug that made my feet tingle. He arched his back and lifted me off the ground. I’m a six-footer, so no easy task. Slowly, gently, so as not to hurt me too much, he put me back down and brushed the last few strands of his remaining boyish, sandy-colored bangs back towards the rest of his dark, grown-up, brown hair and told me that he loved me. Looking up at me with the same brown eyes that I have, heartfelt and wanting, he told me how lucky he was to be my son. Now, granted we had just got back from a day of fantasy basketball camp fun, but he has said things to me before on less ostentatious occasions.
In the beginning, I thought I had both very real emotional and practical concerns with having children. I was worried that having kids might impact my ability to build the career I wanted, and more importantly: ruin my golf game. On the emotional side, I had some concerns about possibly repeating the somewhat less-than-perfect childhood I had. But over time, I learned to breathe through all that stuff. Not meditation or yoga or any of that kind of stuff — just some deep breaths every once in a while.
Even though you have to jump in headfirst when you’re having a baby, for the most part you can still take it one day at a time. You don’t need to boil the ocean to get it right. Just buy one book or talk to one friend, find one website. Relax, and you will find your groove, but make sure you bond with your kids.
Not to freak you out too much before day one starts, but bonding is probably the one thing you really need to get done. For a lot of people it comes naturally, but for guys like me, I had to learn how to do it. Fortunately, it’s not too complicated, and you can get there by spending enough quality time with your little ones, and taking care of their needs. It was a good thing I did, not just for our relationship; there are all kinds of studies that show how much better off your kids will be in terms of future behavior, etc. if you can get it done. The biggest problem I had, and didn’t even really realize until my wife said something, was that bonding came relatively easily with my daughter, but I was struggling a little with my son. Taking good care of my girl, which helped establish a very intimate deep connection with her right away, seemed to come more easily than with my son. I think it was probably because I saw him as a little man who would not need the kind of love and support that a girl does.
But what I have come to believe is that boys need even more, because over the course of their lives, they are not going to get the same kind of emotional support from the world that their sisters get.
Warm Regards,
Chet
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