I Know My Daughter Best
Saying Thanks, But No Thanks to Unsolicited Advice
By Christopher Persley as part of To All Dads, a compilation of open letters from real men spotlighting #RealStrength stories and advice for modern fatherhood
Dear New Dads,
It is not uncommon to seek advice when you are expecting a child. There is so much to ask, and it is difficult to anticipate it all. There is also a great deal of advice offered when people learn you are having a child: Buy these diapers! Use this brand! Don’t shop there! It goes on and on. Thankfully, much of this advice comes from people you know and at least remotely trust.
What I have noticed is this changes after your child is born. After that joyous occasion, that moment that changes your life in so many positive ways, who you are in public changes dramatically as well. See, you will begin to deal with something that is not as helpful or productive. Prepare yourself. You will encounter a multitude of people who will offer advice. This is not advice you are seeking or particularly helpful. Often this unsolicited advice will come at an inopportune time: When your child needs your attention or you’re in a hurry or you’d just prefer not to talk. People will make “observations” that you have made about your child hundreds of times. They will tell you they are only trying to help, but they are not. What they are really doing is questioning your parenting skills. Although this unsolicited advice is “offered” to mothers and fathers, it does seem to be given more often to fathers. Fathers have a very long history of pop- culture ineptitude and really low life expectations to live down.
There will be people who think their methods of raising a child should be adopted by you. You cannot possibly grasp parenting if you are not doing something their way. Are there moments when someone points something out you might have missed? Sure. You might not notice an untied shoe or vomit on your shoulder. That’s fine. We might point those things out regardless if someone is a parent or not. However, having a child seems to give some a license to meddle.
I hope these “advisors” will start to give us dads the benefit of the doubt. So, be empowered to tell people “Thanks, but no thanks.” Tell them of your competency. Explain to them that you got it, and they should rest assured that your child is in good hands.
Sincerely,
Christopher Persley
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