Looking Forward to
Looking Back
Setting the Stage for Our Children’s Memories
By Josh Misner as part of To All Dads, a compilation of open letters from real men spotlighting #RealStrength stories and advice for modern fatherhood
Dear Dads and Dads-To-Be,
Of everything I’ve learned as a dad and mindful fatherhood researcher, the most important lesson is this:
Memories are one of the greatest gifts we can ever give our children.
Recently, I had the fortunate opportunity to put this theory to the test.
As our 747 breached the low, dense cloud cover, my son and I caught our first glimpse of the city. Immediately, I recognized the Transamerica Pyramid, orienting me to the direction we were facing. It didn’t take long to locate San Francisco’s most recognizable landmark, so I gently nudged my seven-year-old and pointed out the window, mapping an invisible thread between the tip of my finger and the visible half of the Golden Gate Bridge that emerged from the thick fog on the bay.
This was to be his first visit to The City by the Bay, though it was my seventh trip. On our agenda was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: the chance to take part in a one-day, private fantasy basketball camp with 7-time champ, Robert Horry, Jr., known by some as “Big Shot Bob”. As our plane descended, my son hopped up and down in his seat, chanting, “We’re in San Francisco, we’re in San Francisco!”
When I first received the invitation for this opportunity, my thoughts immediately scattered among the reasons why we couldn’t go. It’s too expensive. We’ll have to cancel and reschedule his birthday party, for which we’d already sent out invitations. Even as I type out these excuses, I now realize how small they sound when compared to the magnitude of creating a lifelong memory that could potentially steer the course of my son’s young life for years to come.
In one of last year’s heart-wrenching sci-fi blockbusters, one of the characters says to his daughter, “Now we’re just here to be memories for our children. . .Once you’re a parent, you’re the ghost of your children’s future.” While watching this movie for the first time, that line knocked the wind out of me. As a father, I strive to create a constant stream of potential experiences for my children. I lead them to scenarios and contexts in which they may thrive if given the chance, and I gently nudge and advise them toward success in those venues. Most parents will likely agree that it’s part of our job description: provide opportunity and repeat as necessary.
As I reflected upon the movie quote and how I am merely the ghost of my children’s future, I realized that what I want more than anything is for my children to grow old and look back on their childhoods fondly, with great reverence for each of the experiences that molded them into the great people they are destined to become. More importantly, as they reminisce someday in the distant future, I want to know for certain that I have played a supporting role in each and every one of those formative memories.
As much as most dads would love to win the award for Best Father (if there were such a thing), what I learned from our experience is that the highest honor to which a dad can aspire is Best Supporting Actor.
Last weekend, my youngest son and I were transported to another world. Not only did we have the opportunity to ball it up with Big Shot Bob, but more importantly, we spent a couple of days with each other, exploring everything from Chinatown’s shops and culture to the breathtaking beauty of the Palace of Fine Arts. While my son may not aspire to professional basketball greatness because of his experiences this weekend, I have no doubt that the sum total of these experiences left an indelible impression upon him, and how do I know this?
Because it undoubtedly engrained a deep-rooted impression upon me, and after all, I am the ghost of his future.
I once heard a wise student of mine ask, “Did you do anything today that will make today worth remembering tomorrow?”
As fathers, if we want to play a supporting role in our children’s lives tomorrow, then we must show up and be present today.
Make yourself aware of those moments where time and space seem to melt away, leaving only you and your children, for those are the moments that matter, for those moments are memories in the making. Those are the moments where it is up to us to ensure our children will end up looking forward to looking back.
Sincerely,
Josh Misner, Ph.D., MindfulDad.org
If you enjoyed this piece, please click the green “Recommend”
button below to help all dads grow stronger.
