The Value of Spilled Milk

As a Dad, the Days Are Long and the Years Are So Worth it

By Paul Banas as part of To All Dads, a compilation of open letters from real men spotlighting #RealStrength stories and advice for modern fatherhood

Dear New Dad,

My kids are now 11 and 15, and pregnancy, delivery and infancy are increasingly dim memories. What strikes me now even more than it did at the time is the poignancy of the adage “The days are long and the years are short.” A new baby (or babies) will stretch you and your marriage to the breaking point if you let it.

One piece of advice among many: find a mantra and repeat it often.
For me, it was, “She’s only a baby.” Repeating this over and over in the middle of the night kept me focused on my bigger role as protector and caregiver — even through the frustration of spilling powdered milk on the floor or the dirty diaper that fell on the dog.

I found a way to continuously remind myself that the tiny moments of fatigue, anger, and resentment, while inevitable, are nothing in the larger timeline of family life.

This is nothing that you haven’t heard before, but the greatest regret men express on their deathbeds is that they didn’t spend more time with their families. Is this because they didn’t enjoy whiffle ball that much, G-rated movies, or the drives across town chauffeuring a group of chattering teenagers? Maybe. But my bet is that age helps them feel the poignancy of the bond between Mom and Dad and baby. All those moments together, lined end to end, add up to create the emotional life of your child.

It’s easy to choose to see your baby as an obstacle to happiness; the arrival that spells the end to all of the things you hold most dear: Sunday golf, Thursday poker night, late dinners with friends. Or you can choose to, without regrets, throw yourself into the most important role you’ll have for the next 18 years and beyond.

I heard it said recently that when you have kids, your role changes from creating memories for yourself, to creating memories for your child. If you can remember that as much as you can through the inevitable moments of anger and frustration, then as you string these memories together you’ll be the great dad you want to be, and the memories you make will be worth all the effort.

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